Tuesday, August 9, 2011


en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ho Ľoponopono

I love you
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

I think that this hawaiian prayer should be directed at myself now.
I have been the most cruel and neglectful and unforgiving to the person I spit at in the mirror daily.

Friday, July 22, 2011

24 hour fast starts now

empty myself out in all ways
maybe the good creative stuff will flow back in..

Finish this story
edit the flash piece
finish 2 more shorts
I actually have places to submit these too
I have the damnedest time finishing anything
this is not hard
this shouldn't be so hard

I stare at the cursor blinking

Empty out
empty it all the fuck out
lost another friend
misunderstandings seem to be the theme of my year
and the fact no one will listen or admit any wrongdoing or accept apologies etc etc etc
or have put me in a box with a label and will refuse to see it any other way out of fear and narcissism.

can't give in to the negative..it has dined on my mind and soul long enough.
I will get everything I want...it will be there.
I will work for it
I will grab it by the fucking neck when it comes along
I will see the opportunities, stop being so blind to them

and then when I am in the position to lend a helping hand
I can tell them all to fuck off
It will be a swell, peachy keen moment
to want people to FEEL TRULY BAD about hurting you...
I really don't see how that is so wrong.

never underestimate the power of Vengeance
What the fuck have they done except further my malcontent and anger and pain?
fuck them
Anger has it's place...

there is no light without the darkness

Monday, July 4, 2011

A blog in two parts

Terri Plewa
What a gift it was to friend her on Facebook a year ago.

I have learned much.
And her new blog post...I have been floored.
So, check her out and make your own decisions but I can guarantee something she has to say will hit you in the core of your soul and make things a hellava lot clearer.

 And harder than I care to admit to writing...
...is another truth that has hit me quite hard just recently but is very much profound and needful and if this post helps one fucking person or gets someone that knows someone with this and can get that message to them...it will be worth it.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

That's the description and vaguely how it affects a life
It doesn't even come close to the living Hell it actually is.

It is not something that has anything to do with vanity...but it is a completely understandable mistake.
To be completely taken over with your body, this body that is really not important when you take in infinity...but yet...that doesn't quite register with someone that has this.
A person with this thinks that if the outer shell is perfect, everything will be perfect, she/he will be loved and cared about and life will be easy breezy covergirl, there will be money, fame, a lifetime subscription to a fucking yacht club for FREE... if only she/he was perfect they would fit into this world like everyone else seems to...
 and that seems completely logical and factual.
I think the one I am personally hooked on is 'love' in every form of it...they would all love me if I looked PERFECT...how could they not?

Here's the low down dirty truth:
It has to do with a self-hatred on a level that few will ever comprehend and hopefully never feel.
I don't even know how long I have tried to destroy myself.
I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I have had it since I can remember, but never really knowing I had it.
A few years ago realized this is what has insidiously taken my life away. Literally.
It has affected and saturated every second of my life since I can remember the first 'episode' at age nine.

I have mentioned it from time to time and I have shared it with a few people but the enormity of it, the monumental way it has almost killed me...was never entered into it.

And now, I see with great clarity...that every decision I made, every decision I didn't make, every person I ever encountered, every relationship I have been in from acquaintance to lover, every action I did or didn't do, every waking thought and emotion has been ruled by this disorder.
I have been ruled by a monster looking back at me in the mirror.
Who is to blame?
No one.
It just is what it is.
There is nothing I can do to reclaim the gifts I let go, the opportunities I let slide, the people that I have lost in my life or the biggest mind fuck...all that TIME...just fucking gone.

I can only move forward. I can only battle this second by second, thought by thought, and to try not to grimace and spit at my reflection.
This is all I can do.

It isn't as simple as going to therapy or taking a pill or the never ending self chatter of telling myself what I see in the mirror isn't really the true image...it's going to take something bigger than me, bigger than this disorder.

I will, everytime it comes up, take Terri's advice and fill myself with the Love, in the capital sense, in the divine sense.
This will be the hardest thing I have ever  had to face, this Thing, this constant companion, its like my skin, it fills my very DNA.

So begins the work...I'm more than ready to be free of this.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Tips my Grandmother told me

My grandmother was a smart woman but not very happy.
So for most of my life I ignored her advice...she made no sense to me.
It has been my lifelong goal to ignore most advice actually.
My logic was: If you are not perfect & living a perfect life, how the hell can you tell me anything?
I think this is my biggest issue with the majority of 'christians'.
I always saw it as very hypocritical.

But there is very good advice out there, even from the most flawed human.
I am finding this out as small things come up in my life and I realize:
Grandmother was right.

Tip I am finding out today:
If your stomach is empty for any extended period of time: eat broth first

I hadn't eaten for 2 days and last night took my kids out to a steak place
and had the potato soup with a salad.
I also stole some of my daughters sauteed mushrooms that were cooked just about better than I have ever tasted.

I didn't eat much, for such a long time without food-I really wasn't that hungry.
...maybe 5 spoonfuls of soup, a few more bites of salad and 5 tiny mushrooms.
Holy fuck...that small amount of food was all it took to cause some major intestinal damage.

I am paying for it.
and other things that make you run to the bathroom.
Cramping that makes me wonder if things aren't literally getting ripped apart inside me.

So, yeah, broth next time.
I'll be in bed the rest of the day thinking about that.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day

Yes, even me of all people are wishing all fathers, the dads of the world: A happy day because YOU matter.
I know this because I wanted a dad more than a fucking pony at Christmas...a real dad that didn't hurt me and scare the living shit out of me and played some type of ball with me and tickled me and called me princess and lil punkin and who's smile and laughter lit up my life.
A daddy that I ran to at breakneck speed when he got home from work and almost break his back with my hugs and kisses.
I could ride on top of his shoulders when we went to the park and feel like I ruled a kingdom.
A dad that came to school on Career Day and I could whisper with excitement to all my friends,"that's MY daddy!"
I wanted to be totally in love with my dad till I hit puberty and that strange awkwardness came into play...yes, even that is special.
A dad to get all grumpy and look intensely at my boyfriends and threaten to kill them if they laid a hand on me.
A daddy to give me away at the altar to a man that was just as kind and strong and smart as he was, a man that my father respected and knew would take care of his little girl-"only the best for my daughter".

Someone I could base all my future encounters from a solid base of love & light that only can come from a good dad...and especially, to not be afraid of men.
But, I didn't have that, so, fuck it, moving on, moving on...

So, all you daddies: Fucking A kudos to you...good job, pat on the back...your children are better in this world because you exist.

I even and most importantly...wish my ex a Happy Father's Day because without him, I wouldn't have the greatest blessings my life has ever known. My babies, my angels, my world, my breath.
And I truly wish, with all my heart...that he enjoys this special day with his children and they enjoy this day with their daddy.

*and those of you that know my history...no, I have not lost my mind :)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Day 2: The Recovery

Recovering day from the Fast:

Got up late.
This is the day to eat raw fruit and veggies and very little...only to fill-not to be full.

I can't eat though.

Not hungry.

Just want to lay here and be....Empty.
I'm tired, really, really fucking tired.

I really want to go to the beach today and maybe I will but...
Can't seem to wake up completely.

Maybe after a nap, I'll have an orange...or a raw red potato...
I can't decide...whatever.
Go to the beach...or not...

I feel like staring at the ceiling for a few hours.

I hope this gets better..so far this fast and cleansing thing is not going as I thought.
This is incredibly...Blah

Waiting for my Great Epiphanies and my Boundless Energy.
Must have gotten stuck in traffic.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Day 1: One hour and maybe 40...39...38 minutes to go

I'm hungry

I miscounted
make that 2 hours and 20..19...18 minutes

DAY 1- 5 more hours to go

I think my small fruit at the end of this should definitely be a pomegranate martini.
The anger is there
The tears are there
I don't feel like a breakthrough is coming though.
I just feel like absolute shit.

I want to know why but I don't
I want everything I want and I want it now.

This is frustration x1000

this is the state of mind where no one wants to deal with you
this is the state of mind where even YOU don't want to deal with you
I am sick of my own fucking bullshit.

And blogging about it is irritating and stupid.
and so is noise...even nature...I want to throw rocks at all these goddamn birds that are singing with such joy at the lovely blue sky and fresh fucking cool breezes...I want to spit on the glorious SUNSHINE...Goddamn you and your insane bright beauty!
and breathing is just a truly fucked up thing to be doing.
Screw oxygen.
I am not hungry.

Day 1-Fasting on Water-24 hours

Steeling myself up for the emotional overload a fasting brings.
I will be vigilant with my moods.
I am in control.
I am strong.
This is so incredibly good for my body, mind and spirit.

Soon-with toxins out of my system and eating extremely healthy,
My mind will be clear.
I will have energy.
I will have the vocabulary I used to have.
I am pretty sure all those words are still there.
With definitions too I imagine.
I sort of recall having a lot of facts about...stuff.
Various and interesting 'stuff' too.
Oh, WOW and spellcheck might not be used as often!

I did quite enjoy having conversations and using the 'big' words...mmhm.

9 hours to go
Thank god most of the fasting was after dinner and sleeping.

This will be a piece of cake.
No, not cake.
Don't think about cake.

Easy as pie.

Oh shit.

Friday, May 27, 2011

The alarm bells
the bell is an alarm

wake up
wake up
wake up
wake the FUCK UP

You lose everything and
THEN you realize?
 how stupid
what a waste

the pain is the thing
the pain is what moves us
what inspires us
what changes our lives

the golden road
the path less followed
here I go

Monday, May 23, 2011

square peg in a round hole

to have something solely
and exclusively
satisfy something so deep within you
you weren't even aware you needed it
like oxygen
into the very cells and beyond
a hint,
a breath,
a taste
so far beyond wonderful
it may annihilate you
with such profound beauty
& purity

What would you do for that?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bruce and Daisy

Bruce and Daisy are of different 'colors' and backgrounds and environment.
They are becoming friends.
They started watching each other from a distance quite some time ago.
Studying the other, not sure what they were looking for.
Smelling the wind, so many markers for the scent to tell them what's what.
Bruce made sure to pee on every inch of the fence for her convenience.

Bruce is very lonely.
He lost his best friend over a year ago.
She was a victim of racial profiling and general ignorance.
She was a pitbull mix and her life was cut short by mob mentality.
But that's another story entirely.
Bruce is not exactly in the best place to be picky with the company of others.
Even if it's a cat.
And besides, the cats in his own household are friendly...remote and snobbish at times, yes, but he has never had any trouble getting along.

Bruce jumped at Daisy last week.
Daisy made it quite clear, that this was not acceptable behavior with a swift paw to face...no claws of course.
Daisy's human had her declawed.
(My own personal opinion of such a barbaric thing must sit beside me-unheard.)
Not that it mattered, Bruce doesn't know that and was surprised by the sudden action.
He had to show he meant no disrespect.
I mean, his emotions tend to get a little overwhelming at times and he hadn't seen another animal in hours at least.
He respectfully sat down, became very still and nervously kept an eye on the small feet.
Showing Daisy he was ok with this situation and would try very hard to be a good boy.

Watching these two this morning.
What a great lesson in my course of life right now.
They laid near each other, nose to nose but with a nice gap of space for escape, should the need arise.
A dog that outweighs and out teethes this small cat...I was amazed at the calm.
They did a dance to see how close they could come to each other while still maintaining a comfort level.
Back and forth they went, testing out their own personal space limitations.
I am pretty sure, by knowing Bruce much longer, that he would have no problem with Daisy sitting on his face.
Daisy is still working on keeping her hair and back down when Bruce comes to sniff her butt.

It's a game of boundaries.
It's a question of trust.

They are quite cute with all the staring and then ignoring-they don't want to seem too eager.
They are both quite lonely, but that doesn't mean they are desperate or pitiful.
No, there is a lot of self control and high self esteem in them both.
It comes from living in the moment and not thinking to much about their self-worth or where they fit into the world I think.

This looks like the beginning of a lifelong solid friendship.
Bruce chased off another blasted Crow.
Daisy appears to be incredibly impressed with that.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

in the powerful
vise grip
of this



feel it
I will feel it
let it flow through me
let it consume me
cremate me
to unimaginable woe
sweet sorrow
come to me
massive attack
give me everything
bring me more
blaze through the core of me

when I think I can't stand one
takes me under
drowns me
in this


what's this?

notes on the wind
this song is so familiar
yet I can't quite catch the tune

fingertips touch
fall into pieces of ash
oh so slow
inferno kisses of misery
down my arm
on to my chest
my breasts
that's it
feel everything
exquisite pain
turning into
turning into
exquisite agony

and then we fall even deeper
my stomach
my hips
my thighs
my legs down to my toes

blow me away with a soft whisper
I become the wind
we were always together
moment of birth
to this
not death as this world knows it
death is a change

and it never ends
She is with me
we never

I am now every breath
in every lung
in every creature
when the trees bend
into the sweet sway
our eternal dance


Dance with me

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dear Universe,

I do not actually want to die.
I want a life worth living.
And since you always give me what I want, can you get this to me ASAP?
Cause things are getting dark and I can’t see your little hints and guides and 
small gestures that are telling me everything will be ok.
I can’t believe in them right now and I can’t pull myself up from this.
I really have nothing to wake up for or I can’t see what there is to wake up for and all the positive thoughts in the world can’t help me out of this.
I need you, Universe, My Creator, My Love-get me out of this Hell, let me live as a complete human.
I am tired of walking around dead-it doesn’t work for me.
I don’t need years of training, or even a week. I can handle it now, thank you.
Let me BE-Fully BE.
I would think this world would rather have me shine if they only knew the enormity of what I hold inside. I mean, if I can see it! IF I CAN SEE it HERE IN THIS BLACKNESS! holy shit! imagine!
My strength is gone, I’m running on fumes here and not much more time with that I reckon.
At this point, there needs to be something bigger, something stronger to get me through.
I can't do this alone and please stop sending me this...
too little too late bullshit...we both know how well that goes.
I want to laugh. I want to smile at things for no goddamn reason. I want some fun. I want to play.
I want to CREATE all these things stuck in my head. I have so much money to make from these things! Lets get to it, huh?
Im not expecting flowers flowing out my ass every day , every second-but it can't be the reverse either, it cant just be DESPAIR ALL THE FUCKING TIME EITHER.
not only do I not see the forest for the trees...I'm highly suspicious, if these are even "trees".
Signed-you know who

Thursday, May 5, 2011

she was a child

she was a child and she didn't understand
she didn't understand why they didn't love her
those other kids with those other parents
they loved those other kids
maybe if she acted more like them
acted the exact way they did!
maybe if she put bows in her hair!
her family would love her again
and not hurt her in places she had no names for in the middle of the night
The nights filled with confusion and pain and blood and…

...and then she had to go away.
she went to a place that was clean and things were so beautiful and the sun was always shining and horses were pink and bugs bunny and all the pretty faeries were her bestest friends.

And she learned to go away to that place as soon as the pain started between her legs and the more she went the better it became and dragons protected this absolute peaceful perfection.
this paradise that held no tears or stomach aches

it got harder for her to leave it.
Once when she was a teenager she decided to stay there for several years.
it took her more than several years to come back and get used to this strange reality where everybody worked at jobs and went to college and drove cars and laughed with friends over coffee
it was a weird world, it was very uncomfortable, her skin felt tight and ill fitting and she had a hard time mimicking those masks everybody walked around wearing...it was exhausting.
even still, she worked very hard to get back to the Real World
and even though it seemed like the wrong decision to stay
now she cant get away
She's old now and she wants more than anything to go back
this life she has led has been confusing and full of pain she doesn't know how to process or fix
She's never quite learned the language of this world no matter how hard she studied.
She lost the way and she lost the key and she doesn't know the gatekeeper Dragon names anymore.

so, she walks here
and lost
She's very tired.
maybe one day she'll find her way back
to where everything was possible and she could fly like an eagle

Saturday, April 30, 2011

She Sees

she sits in the middle of the colossal arena
accepting of her fate of death
the emptiness hollowed her out
after so much fear and pain and tears
sadness unbound
the crowd jeers

The Master of Ceremonies incites the flock
hateful glee and spite twisting his ugly face
his black soul revels in such degradation
no mercy in the din
He orchestrates the hatred toward this small
her crime
peonage denied

she looks up and sees the eagle soaring above
she catches the feather
gliding down to meet her filthy hand

she catches images of what the madness looks like from soaring skies
and she smiles
and she stands tall
and she walks free
screams of outrage are no longer heard
the spitting, red rage rolls off like the
Mists of Dream Mountain
her glowing clean skin untouched
she hadn't noticed the open door from
down here in the dirt & decay

great  Exaltation to you Mother Eagle
you were always there
waiting patiently
for your beloved
to See

this poem is dedicated to Dave B.
a Gentleman among the Beasts

beehive stirred....

nest of bees
stirring up

mmm, dog has his day
I hope you like rock soup

There will be a day
that things go right

look into a passion
and try to take it away

that is the question
is it worth it?

Is it worth the hornets nest you just stirred up
o invisible one

I do not think ignorance of a situation quite

I do not have to look over my shoulder

I do not have to wait for your attack
in every corner

I forgot
that is

My divine RIGHT
to live a life of joy

what you misunderstand
is not my responsibility

I have lived in chains for years
I prefer to not have yours around my neck anymore

Hornets nest hornets nest
was it worth it?

To scare
to threaten?

To take what is mine?
Because YOU think I am unworthy

Do you really understand what it means
 to try and make a child hate their mother?

It can't happen-first of all
that little trick usually backfires on you

silly rabbit
not understanding the whole picture has a consequence


It all comes back to haunt you

Friday, April 29, 2011

Monsters we are All

mother nature
fury with no conscience
or direction
gonna eat you
doesn't matter
if you have money or not
have some more plastic surgery and shut up
your lips are looking old
it will make you feel better
till next year
or the next model is revealed
you are saving hundreds of kids
from being born
from your diseased womb
I don't judge though
do what you gotta do
go fuck that young chick cause
she has the power between her legs
to keep you vital
keep you young
make you richer
put her in that new Jag
nobody will figure out you don't actually like girls
oh you are so fine
What did you do today?
Make some donations to a charity?
thats good, that's real good
a real good tax write off
I do hope you don't get caught
with the dirty deals
that would really suck for those hungry children and cancer all that money is going to
you are so super
we need to find an award to give you
oh wait
There's one!
shaped like a golden ass
good man
beautiful woman
I mean I am pretty sure cause you have super perfect tits
no hips
no hair
down there
but thats ok
nobody is actually looking
and its safer to fuck an illusion
than get caught
with who you really are

this SHELL

A Shell
A mask. 
A human body.
doesn't entice the quarry
Places to hide
To wear.
Vastly uncomfortable
To leave
Infinitely more
if we did.
Smallness, I am so small 
Save our soul.
We choose these rooms.
Spilt second.
A chance. 
The moment passed.
To see true beauty.
True power.
so close yet untouchable
Too tired. 
Too old. 
Where is the second chance.
The golden ticket.
It lives with unicorns
and faeries.
Fuck a deity?
Be damn Specific
Self esteem of steel
Even then it wont be
half of what you need
Just a bloody asshole
And a hangover.
Appetites never
to be sated.
Aspirations premature
Craving affection
Reply is
Ravenousness in an extinct
too late
too lacking
never enough
life motto
Seethe malevolence
this blackhole

Thursday, April 28, 2011

where is it

I heard a song
talking heads
where is my?
and a list of things
I want some of those things
I waunt sum moor please
We must think positive
or we get nothing
its human nature to destroy
unless you are right with the world
the world is not right with you
thoughts become things
if you are a sad sack
please allow me the honor of giving you the underside of my boots to lick
pull yourself up by the bootstraps
you lazy pathetic shithead
nose to the grindstone
reach out for help if you need it
its really inside you
the truth of all
lean on me
you co-dependant dumbass
you can't rely on others to make you feel better
I will help you if you need it
except actually
thats what friends are for
the phone rings forever
where is my apple fucking pie??
I love him
he hates me
I can't see anything anymore
I can't see past this
this is all there is really
there is nothing else
there is no getting over it
there is no light at the end of a tunnel
babies dying
waves killing them all
I can't see anything else
was there anything else?
I don't remember
I don't think there was
I think that was a Target ad
my mistake
I should tear this thing apart
don't see any reason to stop
The jungle is so thick
The vines are strangling me
I must go
where is the door?
I forget
I can't find it
someone must have moved it while I took that catnap last year
VAST playing on the iPod
That person that wrote that?
He got it
he knows
I think I would like him
if he were a real person
or if I was

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Henry Rollins

I used to write him
as a teenager verging on the young adult phase
he wrote me back
I used to read his poetry and relate to every fucking word
I listened to all his music
I saw him live once, doing his spoken word
I witnessed his interactions with people
behind the scenes
he was a complete asshole.
I walked past him when the show was over and he smiled at me.
A friend saw him at a bar that night and said he was a complete asshole.
Now he is a humanitarian
if you've ever read anything by him
the first few books of poetry is brutal
and truthful
that he goes around now and actually cares about this world?
it amazes me that a person that wrote the bleak
black words he did
ever made it to thirty
I still feel his words
I still relate very well to them
I haven't quite progressed from my utter contempt of this place
I still breathe in
I thought I would change once someone married me and I had children
Who knew that makes it even worse
divorced now
children growing up in a world falling apart
with even more war and racism and greed and narcissism than when I was growing up
things haven't gotten even remotely better

but he travels the world and puts a spotlight on how life is in these desolate
places with people packed in and 50 people using one toilet
and using that water from the toilet for
and how things can GET BETTER
even coming from that shithole shitfest
and he has hope
I don't get it
How did that happen?


It means nothing
your life
your death
your pain
your joy
that smile
that frown
that tear
those years of tears
all your impotent rage
that garden you planted and cultivated for the perfect rose
someone younger taking your husband
someone younger taking your job
someone doing every sport you tried, you giving 110%, better than your sorry ass
that cat that boy killed
that rainforest they destroyed for cattle to feed on to feed you
all that music that inspired you
all those dreams that died that day
all those dreams that came true
you getting raped
you getting murdered
your child dying
your children suffering the same fate as you
the cycle is broken
the cycle is not broken
who cares
you caused it all
you brought the pain
you brought the happiness
just you
not some god(ess) you created
not some sentient mother planet
what you experience is the world
it is the hell
it is the heaven
and when you go-so does it
you may have affected others for the good
or the bad
but eventually they go too
words get forgotten
images burn out
it's all you
your fault
your responsibility
the great
the horrible
means nothing


Saturday, April 9, 2011


darkness encloses
black cat my life
grey cat yowls
burning eye
never sated
it never ends
but that can be arranged
the only way
it is endured
is to be ignored
mask is sealed
mirror broken
a bird is singing my last song
on that dead tree over there
the one that was supposed to bloom forever
didn't this spring
the season of my malcontent
wasn't just a season
to have a life that is not really real
that can't be right
the FALL of my life
is the fall of my life
the universe calls me
I don't hear a sound
the music has lost its appeal
it's soothing balm
it was all I had
music and
was all I had
and they are
gone now
not even their ghosts
black cat sleeps
grey cat is lost
darkness saturates 

Friday, April 8, 2011

and then she said

come and be with me
for a little while
we can pretend life is different
and free
we will make a nest in my bed
for days upon days
eat and play games
watch old movies and fuck like beasts
the world we know
full of pain and fear,
lost moments, opportunities and people
all the misery that mires us
will just go away
we will create our own rules
if there are any to create
You can tell me anything
even the scary dark stuff
you hide away, deep down in there
and I won't flinch
and I'll hang on to you
as tight as I can
as you scream
or cry
or both
I'll take you to the beach one day
and show you my secret place
that soothes the scattered mind
you can almost feel
what it feels like to be a real boy
you won't want to leave me
when our respite is up
I will seduce you with
my soothing ways
the softness of me
the curve of my hips
I will let you drown in
a shade of blue
my eyes can turn
that I have never allowed
anyone to see
I would give you the real girl
I hide away, deep down in there
that bides her time,
that waits
and shines

HAUNTING is an understatement

If its possible
If there is anything
this black hole piss hell
I will come after you
like no ghost
in the history of stories
ever told
I will shit in your mouth
I will rip you to shreds every time
your eyes start to droop
Every attempt at solace and calm
I will tear asunder
I will make sure
you feel every ounce
of rage
stored inside me
every black eye
every choke upon my neck
every hit upon my skin
every harsh brutal word
you spoke against me
and yes, that includes
every lie you ever told
I will make my goal in death
to utterly and
destroy your life.
No death for you
no release
no relief
just PAIN
My vow to you,
the one that murdered me

© 2011 NKFL

Sunday, April 3, 2011


YES, I am an accredited and licensed muse.
How may I help you?

Hm...let's see what we shall see..shall we?
Hold please.

*One Hour Later*
Hi, thanks for...
ooo, ok, slow down dear...
HAAAAHAAAA, no I don't think that would fit there.

Lookit, chill baby chill
You are feeling angry and frustrated and violent, correct?
I inspired that
You think it's all brilliant ideas, kittens and sunshine?

That will be $99.99
And don't worry, your credit card has already been debted.
Thank you
Now go forth and write like the devil!!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I know you enter this site with a warning and again with my title.
I feel the need to warn once more, before I proceed with this post.
I feel this may be the most brutal I have ever been...even though I have only woken with a notion of what I want to say here today.

The subject is parents...boy can they fuck a world up.
I saw a post on Facebook the other day from a woman I hold in high respect, about how her dad made her feel like the most incomprehensible imbecile.
And yet another, a person I deem a Wise One, agree with her with his own story of how a dad can fuck a child up... even as an adult-a highly successful adult, a man that is a great dad himself.

Yes, I agreed with every word they wrote on that thread.
How even as adults we feel like we have transported ourselves to the age of 12 and want desperately the approval of these bizarre beings that somehow are genetically and emotionally attached to us.
We want them to love us.
To think we are special.
To beam smiles and light into our hearts.
To have that precious Hallmark moment.

Even when this is an impossible thing and we know this with every fiber of our being-we still want it like Christmas ...or the absolute magic that is 'supposed' to be Christmas.

I recently had to deal with this situation with my mother.
 I let her go.
 I allowed her to stomp out of my home in yet another childish huff without one beg, one please, one hope that she would wake the fuck up and realize what the fuck she was doing.
I didn't allow her to put her madness on my shoulders.
That sounds easy, huh?
I have been unravelling slowly since she slammed the door.

I had reached my limit on yet another person in my life telling me they would be there for me. It was something they said to make themselves feel good, not thinking they would actually have to be there for me.
Next time-a person that tells me they will help me, will have to endure a couple of questions about what exactly that means.
Or better yet, I'll smile and nod and walk the fuck away.

I am an orphan.
I also detached from every member of my family that day as well.
I thought to myself, why?
Why do I put myself through this shit time after fucking time?
They have never been there for me...and actually, come to think of it...
They made any difficult moment in my life..even worse. Unimaginably worse!
I mean, to my mind...I need help, family should fucking rally around.

I know if my children needed it, they could have my fucking eyeballs-no questions asked.

I repeated all these wonderful traits I grew up with in my friends and lovers.
I swear I have never met a more useless bunch of people.
I have never felt more incredibly incompetent than with the people I had chosen to surround myself with.
By taking the step to banish my family, has given me the next step of not allowing anymore bullshit with my real life friends.
I have taken a hefty fucking chop to the amount of people in my life.

It is a good direction for my 'all growed up' mental state.

My dad...my dad was repeated and continues to repeat himself insidiously
in my life and I haven't had contact with that monster since I was 13.

But even now, 3 kids later, my age creeping...I still do not know how to relate to males and even certain females except sexually.
When you are taught from the age of 11 that you are only needed for your pussy, it makes sense.
That is the only value I have. I say that in present tense because I still believe it. Hopefully this will be another thing to fall away soon.

If men don't relate to me sexually...I seriously have no clue how to deal with them.
I don't understand and completely assume it is because I am hideous in some way-not 'good' enough...which is no surprise, since I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder as well.
I have thought I am this disgusting, disfigured 'thing' since the age of 9.
No amount of people telling me I am pretty or the amount of drugs I tried or the hours I put into therapy has solved that problem.

I used to think a good looking male telling me nice things every day would help.
I married that man and then he switched the menu on me and started telling me all the things I already thought of myself.
To summerize-that I was the most worthless piece of shit ever to walk this world.
He used my weakness as his greatest weapon and I swallowed it hook line and sinker.
Now that I am divorced, I have the need to seek new ways to embarrass & debase myself.

It isn't even something I realize I am doing...I just follow the most emotionally unavailable people down the rabbit hole.
But that is changing as well.
Its about time I started doling out my own self esteem and tell the world to go fuck itself.
This is why I am celibate, this is why I am not dating. This is why I am social in very small doses.
I am so raw right now.
My shattered ego can be, as a phenomenal writer told me, "raped by a pea".
My sex would still have to be utterly humiliating for me to cum.
I am starting to realize I don't have to cut my skin to pieces to feel or to stop feeling things so intensely...
I do have the power.
I do have the control.

So, I take a break.
I sit quietly.
I am stronger than I imagine.
Even now, sitting here in this morning dark, I am fighting the demons that threaten to rip me apart if turn my head to look at them...
I mean Christ, I have survived my parents raping me mind, body and soul.
I have survived a horribly abusive marriage.
And those are just the highlights...there has been so many, many things most people would not have gotten up from.
I grew up an island and I am still here and I have 3 kids that I adore and Adore me.
My oldest girl actually bragged to her friends that she has a 'cool mom'...yes, I overheard that recently...and yes, that did a world of good to this scarred heart.

Monday, March 28, 2011


I thought I saw you out of the corner of my eye last week.
I think I saw you across the street yesterday.
I know you saw me.
I know you have been thinking about me.
You are obsessed with me.
And now, here you are, right in front of me.
Staring me down in that cold, empty way of yours.
I really wish you would just go away.
You don't belong anywhere.
You cause me complications
and pain
and unnecessary road blocks
on my path to a beautiful lie, I mean Life.
I really despise you.
I abhor you.
Piece of Shit.
I would kill you if you had a corporeal form.
I would murder you in the most disgusting ways.
and slowly.
I don't see your point.
You make no damn fucking sense to me.
But come on.
Come here.
And hold on to me.
I will lay down with you

for awhile.

© 2011 NKFL

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Dear You,

I wrote you a letter last night.
It was incredibly long.
It took me a half hour to write.
I told you how I would like to kidnap you
And make you my bitch.
And ever.

But I don't really know if I want that.
I wanted it yesterday.

To be realistic, it would never work.
It's impossible.
Maybe if we had met at another time.

The thing is, I have a big secret.
I'm dead.
I have been for years.
It was a bit of a revelation to me as well,
until bits and pieces of me started falling off in the shower.
Most people don't notice at first
but then they get a good look,
and it's so obvious
by the horror on their face.
They try not to run away
and vomit
from the stench of my rotting flesh.
It's actually a sweet gesture that they
try so hard to be polite.

I'm sorry for any inconvenience
But I actually like you enough to be up front
about it.
before you realize
My disturbing truth.
Maybe one day the authorities will catch on and have me buried
in the potters field.
Until then, I'll just be...
Where ever Here is.


Saturday, March 26, 2011

I would like to start smoking again
and drinking too much
and maybe finding a drug dealer
to supply an adequate fix

I want to sit and write
smoking cigarette after cigarette
drunk off my ass
in the dark
in the cold
'cause I can't afford electricity

'cause I can't stand being around anyone
I am tired of taking care of everyone
without having the time to take care of me
or even to take a bath

I want a temporary hiatus of being a
broken dreamed
middle aged
single mother
pet care
dog walker
jungle gym


I want to be completely
fuck everyone that catches my eye
and not even remotely in a 'vanilla' sort of way
to dance till 5am
get into fights
eat everything that's unhealthy
drive way too fucking fast
in a hot car
with the music blaring

to do this without any consequences

I want to be Dorian Grey
for a little while
without the tragic ending

This is just me thinking...
thoughts and



She comes
Black silent wings
whisper in the night
warrior armor
Sword full of flame
She is not your salvation
See your death
in her shield
She is Chaos
She is the wrath
of every God
She is the blood
surging from your
lethal wounds

She will end you
She will end everything

© 2011 NKFL


I am the dog in that
too small cage
with that
too small collar
Unleash me
I know I am trying to
rip your hand to shreds
through these
too small bars
I know I am showing
all my big
nasty teeth
nasty growls
Unleash me
I'm a good dog
I'm just in this
too small cage
with this
too small collar
Unleash me

©2011 NKFL 


So, with a few tweaks...my mouth is unbound...my written word is unbound rather.
Depending on which mood I will be falling into next...I'll be changing this to an adult content setting


Yes, Joe...let's eat.
very soon

Friday, March 25, 2011

3rd blog is the charm?

New Blog
Hopefully more than 4 people will read this one.

The problem is...I have to watch my mouth and not be so brutally honest and-
Christ...I can't believe I am writing this: Polite.

This should be interesting.

And most likely, if it wasn't a matter of filtering myself because the threat of certain people using everything they can against me legally....


I started my first blog to help me through a rough patch...a year and a half later...apparently a rough patch should be translated to: Honey, your life will be dogpoo, get used to it, and learn to love the smell.

Trying all the positive stuff...actually Living the positive things...doesn't work for me.
I should have known.
Anything touted by the 'norm' will NOT work for me.
I am not normal, I have never been normal, I will never be normal.
I am at the advanced age to not really want such things anymore.
I just want easy.
Give me easy for the next 40 years...I'll take it.

I am mired in self doubt and hatred.
I am beyond lost.
I have no direction and so far no opportunities knocking at my door.
Which isn't an easy thing to wake up to in the morning.

I do know, that if I can free myself from the self doubt and self hatred I could have just about anything I choose.
Which brings me back to these positive things I have been trying...
I need to find the key to open these possibilities
I need to find the first step of the ladder.

I won't list all the things I have tried, it might actually work for you...you might be one of those normal folks I hear such great things about.

I won't give my blog a subject matter this time...I'll write whatever I want...within legal guidelines of course.
Which may have just doomed this new blog to one entry.

I can say this without getting into trouble.
(famous last words?)
And this is random:
I like someone much more than I should.
I have, at my middle age, just experienced my very first school girl crush.

I guess better to have one than never
or to have experience it once rather than never
How the hell does that saying go?

Maybe I should consider using the word Hell less.

How do people manage NOT cussing?
I think I didn't at some point in my life use such colorful language, but that of course was when I had all those words-a whole dictionary full of words at my disposal...
although the memory is vague...so very
very vague.

I don't think about such things most of the time.
I have stopped watching the news and avoid the news tags when I check my email.
Everything is so incredibly bad...so many people dying in the most horrid ways...my mind can't take anymore.
I can't take my life being this shitty and the world falling apart at the same time...it needs to be one or the other.
I'll take the shitty and the world can be ok...deal?