Thursday, June 30, 2011

Tips my Grandmother told me

My grandmother was a smart woman but not very happy.
So for most of my life I ignored her advice...she made no sense to me.
It has been my lifelong goal to ignore most advice actually.
My logic was: If you are not perfect & living a perfect life, how the hell can you tell me anything?
I think this is my biggest issue with the majority of 'christians'.
I always saw it as very hypocritical.

But there is very good advice out there, even from the most flawed human.
I am finding this out as small things come up in my life and I realize:
Grandmother was right.

Tip I am finding out today:
If your stomach is empty for any extended period of time: eat broth first

I hadn't eaten for 2 days and last night took my kids out to a steak place
and had the potato soup with a salad.
I also stole some of my daughters sauteed mushrooms that were cooked just about better than I have ever tasted.

I didn't eat much, for such a long time without food-I really wasn't that hungry.
...maybe 5 spoonfuls of soup, a few more bites of salad and 5 tiny mushrooms.
Holy fuck...that small amount of food was all it took to cause some major intestinal damage.

I am paying for it.
and other things that make you run to the bathroom.
Cramping that makes me wonder if things aren't literally getting ripped apart inside me.

So, yeah, broth next time.
I'll be in bed the rest of the day thinking about that.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day

Yes, even me of all people are wishing all fathers, the dads of the world: A happy day because YOU matter.
I know this because I wanted a dad more than a fucking pony at Christmas...a real dad that didn't hurt me and scare the living shit out of me and played some type of ball with me and tickled me and called me princess and lil punkin and who's smile and laughter lit up my life.
A daddy that I ran to at breakneck speed when he got home from work and almost break his back with my hugs and kisses.
I could ride on top of his shoulders when we went to the park and feel like I ruled a kingdom.
A dad that came to school on Career Day and I could whisper with excitement to all my friends,"that's MY daddy!"
I wanted to be totally in love with my dad till I hit puberty and that strange awkwardness came into play...yes, even that is special.
A dad to get all grumpy and look intensely at my boyfriends and threaten to kill them if they laid a hand on me.
A daddy to give me away at the altar to a man that was just as kind and strong and smart as he was, a man that my father respected and knew would take care of his little girl-"only the best for my daughter".

Someone I could base all my future encounters from a solid base of love & light that only can come from a good dad...and especially, to not be afraid of men.
But, I didn't have that, so, fuck it, moving on, moving on...

So, all you daddies: Fucking A kudos to you...good job, pat on the back...your children are better in this world because you exist.

I even and most importantly...wish my ex a Happy Father's Day because without him, I wouldn't have the greatest blessings my life has ever known. My babies, my angels, my world, my breath.
And I truly wish, with all my heart...that he enjoys this special day with his children and they enjoy this day with their daddy.

*and those of you that know my, I have not lost my mind :)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Day 2: The Recovery

Recovering day from the Fast:

Got up late.
This is the day to eat raw fruit and veggies and very little...only to fill-not to be full.

I can't eat though.

Not hungry.

Just want to lay here and be....Empty.
I'm tired, really, really fucking tired.

I really want to go to the beach today and maybe I will but...
Can't seem to wake up completely.

Maybe after a nap, I'll have an orange...or a raw red potato...
I can't decide...whatever.
Go to the beach...or not...

I feel like staring at the ceiling for a few hours.

I hope this gets far this fast and cleansing thing is not going as I thought.
This is incredibly...Blah

Waiting for my Great Epiphanies and my Boundless Energy.
Must have gotten stuck in traffic.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Day 1: One hour and maybe 40...39...38 minutes to go

I'm hungry

I miscounted
make that 2 hours and 20..19...18 minutes

DAY 1- 5 more hours to go

I think my small fruit at the end of this should definitely be a pomegranate martini.
The anger is there
The tears are there
I don't feel like a breakthrough is coming though.
I just feel like absolute shit.

I want to know why but I don't
I want everything I want and I want it now.

This is frustration x1000

this is the state of mind where no one wants to deal with you
this is the state of mind where even YOU don't want to deal with you
I am sick of my own fucking bullshit.

And blogging about it is irritating and stupid.
and so is noise...even nature...I want to throw rocks at all these goddamn birds that are singing with such joy at the lovely blue sky and fresh fucking cool breezes...I want to spit on the glorious SUNSHINE...Goddamn you and your insane bright beauty!
and breathing is just a truly fucked up thing to be doing.
Screw oxygen.
I am not hungry.

Day 1-Fasting on Water-24 hours

Steeling myself up for the emotional overload a fasting brings.
I will be vigilant with my moods.
I am in control.
I am strong.
This is so incredibly good for my body, mind and spirit.

Soon-with toxins out of my system and eating extremely healthy,
My mind will be clear.
I will have energy.
I will have the vocabulary I used to have.
I am pretty sure all those words are still there.
With definitions too I imagine.
I sort of recall having a lot of facts about...stuff.
Various and interesting 'stuff' too.
Oh, WOW and spellcheck might not be used as often!

I did quite enjoy having conversations and using the 'big' words...mmhm.

9 hours to go
Thank god most of the fasting was after dinner and sleeping.

This will be a piece of cake.
No, not cake.
Don't think about cake.

Easy as pie.

Oh shit.