Monday, July 4, 2011

A blog in two parts

Terri Plewa
What a gift it was to friend her on Facebook a year ago.

I have learned much.
And her new blog post...I have been floored.
So, check her out and make your own decisions but I can guarantee something she has to say will hit you in the core of your soul and make things a hellava lot clearer.

 And harder than I care to admit to writing... another truth that has hit me quite hard just recently but is very much profound and needful and if this post helps one fucking person or gets someone that knows someone with this and can get that message to will be worth it.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

That's the description and vaguely how it affects a life
It doesn't even come close to the living Hell it actually is.

It is not something that has anything to do with vanity...but it is a completely understandable mistake.
To be completely taken over with your body, this body that is really not important when you take in infinity...but yet...that doesn't quite register with someone that has this.
A person with this thinks that if the outer shell is perfect, everything will be perfect, she/he will be loved and cared about and life will be easy breezy covergirl, there will be money, fame, a lifetime subscription to a fucking yacht club for FREE... if only she/he was perfect they would fit into this world like everyone else seems to...
 and that seems completely logical and factual.
I think the one I am personally hooked on is 'love' in every form of it...they would all love me if I looked could they not?

Here's the low down dirty truth:
It has to do with a self-hatred on a level that few will ever comprehend and hopefully never feel.
I don't even know how long I have tried to destroy myself.
I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I have had it since I can remember, but never really knowing I had it.
A few years ago realized this is what has insidiously taken my life away. Literally.
It has affected and saturated every second of my life since I can remember the first 'episode' at age nine.

I have mentioned it from time to time and I have shared it with a few people but the enormity of it, the monumental way it has almost killed me...was never entered into it.

And now, I see with great clarity...that every decision I made, every decision I didn't make, every person I ever encountered, every relationship I have been in from acquaintance to lover, every action I did or didn't do, every waking thought and emotion has been ruled by this disorder.
I have been ruled by a monster looking back at me in the mirror.
Who is to blame?
No one.
It just is what it is.
There is nothing I can do to reclaim the gifts I let go, the opportunities I let slide, the people that I have lost in my life or the biggest mind fuck...all that TIME...just fucking gone.

I can only move forward. I can only battle this second by second, thought by thought, and to try not to grimace and spit at my reflection.
This is all I can do.

It isn't as simple as going to therapy or taking a pill or the never ending self chatter of telling myself what I see in the mirror isn't really the true's going to take something bigger than me, bigger than this disorder.

I will, everytime it comes up, take Terri's advice and fill myself with the Love, in the capital sense, in the divine sense.
This will be the hardest thing I have ever  had to face, this Thing, this constant companion, its like my skin, it fills my very DNA.

So begins the work...I'm more than ready to be free of this.


  1. :)

    Braveness is a fabulous expression of the love that's always in you.

    Love really is what you are.

    Shine, Nova. Burn the world with your perfection.

  2. You warm the cockles of my heart Kevin :)

  3. You are beautiful in your awareness, especially, that no battle is necessary. You have been fighting this thing and pushing it down. Now you see it. Boo! It's all right. It can coexist. The Divine loves it. Perfect. Now it may transform. Or maybe not. And either way... fine. Wonderful work, Beauty. :)