Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I know you enter this site with a warning and again with my title.
I feel the need to warn once more, before I proceed with this post.
I feel this may be the most brutal I have ever been...even though I have only woken with a notion of what I want to say here today.

The subject is parents...boy can they fuck a world up.
I saw a post on Facebook the other day from a woman I hold in high respect, about how her dad made her feel like the most incomprehensible imbecile.
And yet another, a person I deem a Wise One, agree with her with his own story of how a dad can fuck a child up... even as an adult-a highly successful adult, a man that is a great dad himself.

Yes, I agreed with every word they wrote on that thread.
How even as adults we feel like we have transported ourselves to the age of 12 and want desperately the approval of these bizarre beings that somehow are genetically and emotionally attached to us.
We want them to love us.
To think we are special.
To beam smiles and light into our hearts.
To have that precious Hallmark moment.

Even when this is an impossible thing and we know this with every fiber of our being-we still want it like Christmas ...or the absolute magic that is 'supposed' to be Christmas.

I recently had to deal with this situation with my mother.
 I let her go.
 I allowed her to stomp out of my home in yet another childish huff without one beg, one please, one hope that she would wake the fuck up and realize what the fuck she was doing.
I didn't allow her to put her madness on my shoulders.
That sounds easy, huh?
I have been unravelling slowly since she slammed the door.

I had reached my limit on yet another person in my life telling me they would be there for me. It was something they said to make themselves feel good, not thinking they would actually have to be there for me.
Next time-a person that tells me they will help me, will have to endure a couple of questions about what exactly that means.
Or better yet, I'll smile and nod and walk the fuck away.

I am an orphan.
I also detached from every member of my family that day as well.
I thought to myself, why?
Why do I put myself through this shit time after fucking time?
They have never been there for me...and actually, come to think of it...
They made any difficult moment in my life..even worse. Unimaginably worse!
I mean, to my mind...I need help, family should fucking rally around.

I know if my children needed it, they could have my fucking eyeballs-no questions asked.

I repeated all these wonderful traits I grew up with in my friends and lovers.
I swear I have never met a more useless bunch of people.
I have never felt more incredibly incompetent than with the people I had chosen to surround myself with.
By taking the step to banish my family, has given me the next step of not allowing anymore bullshit with my real life friends.
I have taken a hefty fucking chop to the amount of people in my life.

It is a good direction for my 'all growed up' mental state.

My dad was repeated and continues to repeat himself insidiously
in my life and I haven't had contact with that monster since I was 13.

But even now, 3 kids later, my age creeping...I still do not know how to relate to males and even certain females except sexually.
When you are taught from the age of 11 that you are only needed for your pussy, it makes sense.
That is the only value I have. I say that in present tense because I still believe it. Hopefully this will be another thing to fall away soon.

If men don't relate to me sexually...I seriously have no clue how to deal with them.
I don't understand and completely assume it is because I am hideous in some way-not 'good' enough...which is no surprise, since I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder as well.
I have thought I am this disgusting, disfigured 'thing' since the age of 9.
No amount of people telling me I am pretty or the amount of drugs I tried or the hours I put into therapy has solved that problem.

I used to think a good looking male telling me nice things every day would help.
I married that man and then he switched the menu on me and started telling me all the things I already thought of myself.
To summerize-that I was the most worthless piece of shit ever to walk this world.
He used my weakness as his greatest weapon and I swallowed it hook line and sinker.
Now that I am divorced, I have the need to seek new ways to embarrass & debase myself.

It isn't even something I realize I am doing...I just follow the most emotionally unavailable people down the rabbit hole.
But that is changing as well.
Its about time I started doling out my own self esteem and tell the world to go fuck itself.
This is why I am celibate, this is why I am not dating. This is why I am social in very small doses.
I am so raw right now.
My shattered ego can be, as a phenomenal writer told me, "raped by a pea".
My sex would still have to be utterly humiliating for me to cum.
I am starting to realize I don't have to cut my skin to pieces to feel or to stop feeling things so intensely...
I do have the power.
I do have the control.

So, I take a break.
I sit quietly.
I am stronger than I imagine.
Even now, sitting here in this morning dark, I am fighting the demons that threaten to rip me apart if turn my head to look at them...
I mean Christ, I have survived my parents raping me mind, body and soul.
I have survived a horribly abusive marriage.
And those are just the highlights...there has been so many, many things most people would not have gotten up from.
I grew up an island and I am still here and I have 3 kids that I adore and Adore me.
My oldest girl actually bragged to her friends that she has a 'cool mom'...yes, I overheard that recently...and yes, that did a world of good to this scarred heart.


  1. Life is dangerous. Sometimes short. Often absurd. Occasionally violent. Always hard. If a person's presence in your life does not offset one or many of these things or protect you from one or many of these things, then it doesn't matter who they are, you have to stop and ask yourself if they're worth it. This is how we build our real families. And when your children and many other people in your life examine these factors, search their souls and choose up for the brutal dodgeball game we call life, you'll be selected.