tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39600950077216716612024-03-08T09:48:17.648-08:00Warning: LanguageThis is a literary outpost. Poetry, musings and ideas run like wild horses here. You may not use any content without my permission.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger34125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-14958066880287910212011-08-09T17:50:00.000-07:002011-08-09T18:04:06.540-07:00ho'oponopono<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ho%CA%BBoponopono">en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoʻoponopono</a><br />
<br />
<br />
I love you<br />
I'm sorry<br />
Please forgive me<br />
Thank you<br />
<br />
I think that this hawaiian prayer should be directed at myself now.<br />
I have been the most cruel and neglectful and unforgiving to the person I spit at in the mirror daily.<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-62398378724466643372011-07-22T15:05:00.000-07:002011-07-22T15:05:08.588-07:0024 hour fast starts now<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">empty myself out in all ways<br />
maybe the good creative stuff will flow back in..<br />
<br />
Finish this story<br />
edit the flash piece<br />
finish 2 more shorts<br />
I actually have places to submit these too<br />
fuck<br />
I have the damnedest time finishing anything<br />
but<br />
this is not hard<br />
this shouldn't be so hard<br />
<br />
I stare at the cursor blinking<br />
<br />
Empty out<br />
empty it all the fuck out<br />
lost another friend<br />
misunderstandings seem to be the theme of my year<br />
and the fact no one will listen or admit any wrongdoing or accept apologies etc etc etc<br />
or have put me in a box with a label and will refuse to see it any other way out of fear and narcissism.<br />
<br />
can't give in to the negative..it has dined on my mind and soul long enough.<br />
I will get everything I want...it will be there.<br />
I will work for it<br />
I will grab it by the fucking neck when it comes along<br />
I will see the opportunities, stop being so blind to them<br />
etc<br />
etc<br />
etc<br />
<br />
and then when I am in the position to lend a helping hand<br />
I can tell them all to fuck off<br />
It will be a swell, peachy keen moment<br />
to want people to FEEL TRULY BAD about hurting you...<br />
I really don't see how that is so wrong.<br />
<br />
never underestimate the power of Vengeance<br />
What the fuck have they done except further my malcontent and anger and pain?<br />
fuck them<br />
Anger has it's place...<br />
<br />
<br />
there is no light without the darkness</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-51392033485824393412011-07-04T11:41:00.000-07:002011-07-04T11:41:11.557-07:00A blog in two parts<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Firstly<br />
Terri Plewa<br />
What a gift it was to friend her on Facebook a year ago.<br />
<br />
I have learned much.<br />
And her new blog post...I have been floored.<br />
So, check her out and make your own decisions but I can guarantee something she has to say will hit you in the core of your soul and make things a hellava lot clearer.<br />
<a href="http://terriplewa.com/blog/">http://terriplewa.com/blog/</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Secondly<br />
And harder than I care to admit to writing...<br />
...is another truth that has hit me quite hard just recently but is very much profound and needful and if this post helps one fucking person or gets someone that knows someone with this and can get that message to them...it will be worth it.<br />
<br />
<br />
Body Dysmorphic Disorder<br />
<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder</a><br />
<br />
That's the description and vaguely how it affects a life<br />
It doesn't even come close to the living Hell it actually is.<br />
<br />
It is not something that has anything to do with vanity...but it is a completely understandable mistake.<br />
To be completely taken over with your body, this body that is really not important when you take in infinity...but yet...that doesn't quite register with someone that has this.<br />
A person with this thinks that if the outer shell is perfect, everything will be perfect, she/he will be loved and cared about and life will be easy breezy covergirl, there will be money, fame, a lifetime subscription to a fucking yacht club for FREE... if only she/he was perfect they would fit into this world like everyone else seems to...<br />
and that seems completely logical and factual.<br />
I think the one I am personally hooked on is 'love' in every form of it...they would all love me if I looked PERFECT...how could they not?<br />
<br />
Here's the low down dirty truth:<br />
It has to do with a self-hatred on a level that few will ever comprehend and hopefully never feel.<br />
I don't even know how long I have tried to destroy myself.<br />
I would not wish this on my worst enemy.<br />
<br />
I have had it since I can remember, but never really knowing I had it.<br />
A few years ago realized this is what has insidiously taken my life away. Literally.<br />
It has affected and saturated every second of my life since I can remember the first 'episode' at age nine.<br />
<br />
I have mentioned it from time to time and I have shared it with a few people but the enormity of it, the monumental way it has almost killed me...was never entered into it.<br />
<br />
And now, I see with great clarity...that every decision I made, every decision I didn't make, every person I ever encountered, every relationship I have been in from acquaintance to lover, every action I did or didn't do, every waking thought and emotion has been ruled by this disorder.<br />
I have been ruled by a monster looking back at me in the mirror.<br />
Who is to blame?<br />
No one.<br />
It just is what it is.<br />
There is nothing I can do to reclaim the gifts I let go, the opportunities I let slide, the people that I have lost in my life or the biggest mind fuck...all that TIME...just fucking gone.<br />
<br />
I can only move forward. I can only battle this second by second, thought by thought, and to try not to grimace and spit at my reflection.<br />
This is all I can do.<br />
<br />
<br />
It isn't as simple as going to therapy or taking a pill or the never ending self chatter of telling myself what I see in the mirror isn't really the true image...it's going to take something bigger than me, bigger than this disorder.<br />
<br />
I will, everytime it comes up, take Terri's advice and fill myself with the Love, in the capital sense, in the divine sense.<br />
This will be the hardest thing I have ever had to face, this Thing, this constant companion, its like my skin, it fills my very DNA.<br />
<br />
So begins the work...I'm more than ready to be free of this.<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-84829475367476172302011-06-30T07:08:00.000-07:002011-06-30T08:38:33.671-07:00Tips my Grandmother told me<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">My grandmother was a smart woman but not very happy.<br />
So for most of my life I ignored her advice...she made no sense to me.<br />
It has been my lifelong goal to ignore most advice actually.<br />
My logic was: If you are not perfect & living a perfect life, how the hell can you tell me anything?<br />
I think this is my biggest issue with the majority of 'christians'.<br />
I always saw it as very hypocritical.<br />
<br />
But there is very good advice out there, even from the most flawed human.<br />
I am finding this out as small things come up in my life and I realize:<br />
Grandmother was right.<br />
<br />
Tip I am finding out today:<br />
If your stomach is empty for any extended period of time: eat broth first<br />
<br />
I hadn't eaten for 2 days and last night took my kids out to a steak place<br />
and had the potato soup with a salad.<br />
I also stole some of my daughters sauteed mushrooms that were cooked just about better than I have ever tasted.<br />
<br />
I didn't eat much, for such a long time without food-I really wasn't that hungry.<br />
...maybe 5 spoonfuls of soup, a few more bites of salad and 5 tiny mushrooms.<br />
Holy fuck...that small amount of food was all it took to cause some major intestinal damage.<br />
<br />
I am paying for it.<br />
Nausea...headache...<br />
and other things that make you run to the bathroom.<br />
Cramping that makes me wonder if things aren't literally getting ripped apart inside me.<br />
<br />
So, yeah, broth next time.<br />
I'll be in bed the rest of the day thinking about that.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-61427566165619494192011-06-19T15:56:00.000-07:002011-06-19T15:59:30.695-07:00Happy Father's Day<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px;"></span><br />
<div class="uiHeader uiHeaderBottomBorder mbm" style="border-bottom-color: rgb(170, 170, 170); border-bottom-style: solid; border-bottom-width: 1px; margin-bottom: 10px; padding-bottom: 0.5em;"><div class="clearfix uiHeaderTop" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><div><h2 class="uiHeaderTitle" style="color: #1c2a47; font-size: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br />
</h2></div></div><div class="clearfix" style="display: block; zoom: 1;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 16px;">Yes, even me of all people are wishing all fathers, the dads of the world: A happy day because YOU matter.</span></div></div><div class="mbl notesBlogText clearfix" style="display: block; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 20px; word-wrap: break-word; zoom: 1;"><div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I know this because I wanted a dad more than a fucking pony at Christmas...a real dad that didn't hurt me and scare the living shit out of me and played some type of ball with me and tickled me and called me princess and lil punkin and who's smile and laughter lit up my life.</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A daddy that I ran to at breakneck speed when he got home from work and almost break his back with my hugs and kisses.</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I could ride on top of his shoulders when we went to the park and feel like I ruled a kingdom.</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A dad that came to school on Career Day and I could whisper with excitement to all my friends,"that's MY daddy!"</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I wanted to be totally in love with my dad till I hit puberty and that strange awkwardness came into play...yes, even that is special.</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A dad to get all grumpy and look intensely at my boyfriends and threaten to kill them if they laid a hand on me.</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A daddy to give me away at the altar to a man that was just as kind and strong and smart as he was, a man that my father respected and knew would take care of his little girl-"only the best for my daughter".</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Someone I could base all my future encounters from a solid base of love & light that only can come from a good dad...and especially, to not be afraid of men.</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">But, I didn't have that, so, fuck it, moving on, moving on...</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">So, all you daddies: Fucking A kudos to you...good job, pat on the back...your children are better in this world because you exist.</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I even and most importantly...wish my ex a Happy Father's Day because without him, I wouldn't have the greatest blessings my life has ever known. My babies, my angels, my world, my breath.</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And I truly wish, with all my heart...that he enjoys this special day with his children and they enjoy this day with their daddy.</span></span></div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><br />
</div><div style="line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">*and those of you that know my history...no, I have not lost my mind :)</span></span></div></div><div><br />
</div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-16086066641929707152011-06-04T09:17:00.000-07:002011-07-05T16:50:10.733-07:00Day 2: The Recovery<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Recovering day from the Fast:<br />
<br />
Got up late.<br />
This is the day to eat raw fruit and veggies and very little...only to fill-not to be full.<br />
<br />
I can't eat though.<br />
<br />
Not hungry.<br />
<br />
Just want to lay here and be....Empty.<br />
I'm tired, really, really fucking tired.<br />
<br />
I really want to go to the beach today and maybe I will but...<br />
Can't seem to wake up completely.<br />
<br />
Maybe after a nap, I'll have an orange...or a raw red potato...<br />
I can't decide...whatever.<br />
Go to the beach...or not...<br />
whatever.<br />
<br />
I feel like staring at the ceiling for a few hours.<br />
<br />
I hope this gets better..so far this fast and cleansing thing is not going as I thought.<br />
This is incredibly...Blah<br />
<br />
Waiting for my Great Epiphanies and my Boundless Energy.<br />
Must have gotten stuck in traffic.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-17130755893520741282011-06-03T13:22:00.000-07:002011-06-03T13:48:44.863-07:00Day 1: One hour and maybe 40...39...38 minutes to go<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I'm hungry<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
goddamnitall<br />
I miscounted<br />
make that 2 hours and 20..19...18 minutes</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-67179164354073485642011-06-03T11:52:00.000-07:002011-06-03T11:54:42.157-07:00DAY 1- 5 more hours to go<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I think my small fruit at the end of this should definitely be a pomegranate martini.<br />
The anger is there<br />
The tears are there<br />
I don't feel like a breakthrough is coming though.<br />
I just feel like absolute shit.<br />
<br />
I want to know why but I don't<br />
I want everything I want and I want it now.<br />
<br />
This is frustration x1000<br />
<br />
this is the state of mind where no one wants to deal with you<br />
this is the state of mind where even YOU don't want to deal with you<br />
I am sick of my own fucking bullshit.<br />
<br />
And blogging about it is irritating and stupid.<br />
and so is noise...even nature...I want to throw rocks at all these goddamn birds that are singing with such joy at the lovely blue sky and fresh fucking cool breezes...I want to spit on the glorious SUNSHINE...Goddamn you and your insane bright beauty!<br />
bah<br />
and breathing is just a truly fucked up thing to be doing.<br />
Screw oxygen.<br />
AND<br />
I am not hungry.<br />
FUCK FOOD </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-70490311029928682522011-06-03T07:02:00.000-07:002011-06-03T07:44:12.302-07:00Day 1-Fasting on Water-24 hours<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Steeling myself up for the emotional overload a fasting brings.<br />
I will be vigilant with my moods.<br />
I am in control.<br />
I am strong.<br />
This is so incredibly good for my body, mind and spirit.<br />
<br />
Soon-with toxins out of my system and eating extremely healthy,<br />
My mind will be clear.<br />
I will have energy.<br />
I will have the vocabulary I used to have.<br />
I am pretty sure all those words are still there.<br />
With definitions too I imagine.<br />
OMG and FACTS!<br />
I sort of recall having a lot of facts about...stuff.<br />
Various and interesting 'stuff' too.<br />
Oh, WOW and spellcheck might not be used as often!<br />
woo!<br />
<br />
I did quite enjoy having conversations and using the 'big' words...mmhm.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
9 hours to go<br />
Thank god most of the fasting was after dinner and sleeping.<br />
<br />
This will be a piece of cake.<br />
No, not cake.<br />
Don't think about cake.<br />
<br />
Easy as pie.<br />
<br />
Oh shit.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-10365583677795698722011-05-27T06:22:00.000-07:002011-05-27T06:23:31.648-07:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">The alarm bells<br />
the bell is an alarm<br />
<br />
wake up<br />
wake up<br />
wake up<br />
wake the FUCK UP<br />
<br />
You lose everything and<br />
THEN you realize?<br />
how stupid<br />
what a waste<br />
<br />
the pain is the thing<br />
the pain is what moves us<br />
what inspires us<br />
what changes our lives<br />
<br />
the golden road<br />
the path less followed<br />
here I go</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-90083637299347156992011-05-23T10:30:00.000-07:002011-05-23T12:35:57.591-07:00square peg in a round hole<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">to have something solely<br />
and exclusively<br />
satisfy something so deep within you<br />
you weren't even aware you needed it<br />
like oxygen<br />
into the very cells and beyond<br />
a hint,<br />
a breath,<br />
a taste<br />
so far beyond wonderful<br />
it may annihilate you<br />
with such profound beauty<br />
& purity<br />
<br />
What would you do for that?<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-87352641405947286132011-05-19T06:12:00.000-07:002011-05-19T06:39:30.305-07:00Bruce and Daisy<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Bruce and Daisy are of different 'colors' and backgrounds and environment.<br />
They are becoming friends.<br />
They started watching each other from a distance quite some time ago.<br />
Studying the other, not sure what they were looking for.<br />
Smelling the wind, so many markers for the scent to tell them what's what.<br />
Bruce made sure to pee on every inch of the fence for her convenience.<br />
<br />
Bruce is very lonely.<br />
He lost his best friend over a year ago.<br />
She was a victim of racial profiling and general ignorance.<br />
She was a pitbull mix and her life was cut short by mob mentality.<br />
But that's another story entirely.<br />
Bruce is not exactly in the best place to be picky with the company of others.<br />
Even if it's a cat.<br />
And besides, the cats in his own household are friendly...remote and snobbish at times, yes, but he has never had any trouble getting along.<br />
<br />
Bruce jumped at Daisy last week.<br />
Daisy made it quite clear, that this was not acceptable behavior with a swift paw to face...no claws of course.<br />
Daisy's human had her declawed.<br />
(My own personal opinion of such a barbaric thing must sit beside me-unheard.)<br />
Not that it mattered, Bruce doesn't know that and was surprised by the sudden action.<br />
He had to show he meant no disrespect.<br />
I mean, his emotions tend to get a little overwhelming at times and he hadn't seen another animal in hours at least.<br />
He respectfully sat down, became very still and nervously kept an eye on the small feet.<br />
Showing Daisy he was ok with this situation and would try very hard to be a good boy.<br />
<br />
Watching these two this morning.<br />
What a great lesson in my course of life right now.<br />
They laid near each other, nose to nose but with a nice gap of space for escape, should the need arise.<br />
A dog that outweighs and out teethes this small cat...I was amazed at the calm.<br />
They did a dance to see how close they could come to each other while still maintaining a comfort level.<br />
Back and forth they went, testing out their own personal space limitations.<br />
I am pretty sure, by knowing Bruce much longer, that he would have no problem with Daisy sitting on his face.<br />
Daisy is still working on keeping her hair and back down when Bruce comes to sniff her butt.<br />
<br />
It's a game of boundaries.<br />
It's a question of trust.<br />
<br />
They are quite cute with all the staring and then ignoring-they don't want to seem too eager.<br />
They are both quite lonely, but that doesn't mean they are desperate or pitiful.<br />
No, there is a lot of self control and high self esteem in them both.<br />
It comes from living in the moment and not thinking to much about their self-worth or where they fit into the world I think.<br />
<br />
This looks like the beginning of a lifelong solid friendship.<br />
Bruce chased off another blasted Crow.<br />
Daisy appears to be incredibly impressed with that.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-74316201190555284862011-05-11T18:46:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:36:53.575-07:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">in the powerful<br />
vise grip<br />
of this<br />
this<br />
<br />
<br />
this<br />
<br />
oh<br />
god<br />
no<br />
yesss<br />
<br />
feel it<br />
I will feel it<br />
finally<br />
utterly<br />
let it flow through me<br />
let it consume me<br />
cremate me<br />
bones<br />
fused<br />
to unimaginable woe<br />
blood<br />
seethe<br />
simmer<br />
sweet sorrow<br />
come to me<br />
fully<br />
massive attack<br />
give me everything<br />
now<br />
more<br />
pain<br />
yes<br />
bring me more<br />
more<br />
please<br />
blaze through the core of me<br />
<br />
beyond<br />
when I think I can't stand one<br />
more<br />
second<br />
ferocious<br />
violence<br />
takes me under<br />
drowns me<br />
in this<br />
this<br />
<br />
this<br />
<br />
<br />
wait<br />
what's this?<br />
<br />
<br />
notes on the wind<br />
this song is so familiar<br />
yet I can't quite catch the tune<br />
<br />
fingertips touch<br />
and<br />
fall into pieces of ash<br />
moving<br />
slow<br />
oh so slow<br />
inferno kisses of misery<br />
down my arm<br />
on to my chest<br />
my breasts<br />
grey<br />
crackling<br />
flesh<br />
yes<br />
that's it<br />
feel everything<br />
breathe<br />
hard<br />
exquisite pain<br />
turning into<br />
ecstasy<br />
turning into<br />
exquisite agony<br />
<br />
and then we fall even deeper<br />
my stomach<br />
my hips<br />
my thighs<br />
my legs down to my toes<br />
incinerate<br />
<br />
blow me away with a soft whisper<br />
I become the wind<br />
we were always together<br />
moment of birth<br />
to this<br />
death<br />
not death as this world knows it<br />
death is a change<br />
transition<br />
ascension<br />
evolution<br />
<br />
and it never ends<br />
She is with me<br />
forever<br />
we never<br />
cease<br />
<br />
I am now every breath<br />
in every lung<br />
in every creature<br />
and<br />
when the trees bend<br />
into the sweet sway<br />
that's<br />
our eternal dance<br />
<br />
come<br />
<br />
Dance with me<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-84665593956815500032011-05-10T09:15:00.000-07:002011-05-10T09:15:20.247-07:00Dear Universe,<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I do not actually want to die.</div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I want a life worth living.</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">And since you always give me what I want, can you get this to me ASAP?</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Cause things are getting dark and I can’t see your little hints and guides and </span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">small gestures that are telling me everything will be ok.</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I can’t believe in them right now and I can’t pull myself up from this.</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I really have nothing to wake up for or I can’t see what there is to wake up for and all the positive thoughts in the world can’t help me out of this.</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I need you, Universe, My Creator, My Love-get me out of this Hell, let me live as a complete human.</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I am tired of walking around dead-it doesn’t work for me.</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I don’t need years of training, or even a week. I can handle it now, thank you.</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Let me BE-Fully BE.</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">I would think this world would rather have me shine if they only knew the enormity of what I hold inside. I mean, if I can see it! IF I CAN SEE it HERE IN THIS BLACKNESS! holy shit! imagine!</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">My strength is gone, I’m running on fumes here and not much more time with that I reckon.</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">At this point, there needs to be something bigger, something stronger to get me through.</span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I can't do this alone and please stop sending me this...</div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">this...</div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">too little too late bullshit...we both know how well that goes.</div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I want to laugh. I want to smile at things for no goddamn reason. I want some fun. I want to play.</div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">I want to CREATE all these things stuck in my head. I have so much money to make from these things! Lets get to it, huh?</div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">Look-</div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">Im not expecting flowers flowing out my ass every day , every second-but it can't be the reverse either, it cant just be DESPAIR ALL THE FUCKING TIME EITHER.</div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;">not only do I not see the forest for the trees...I'm highly suspicious, if these are even "trees".</div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; min-height: 21.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;"></span></div><div style="font: 18.0px 'BlairMdITC TT'; margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0.0px;">Signed-you know who</span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-17394972463103202912011-05-05T20:20:00.000-07:002011-05-05T21:12:02.615-07:00she was a child<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">she was a child and she didn't understand<br />
she didn't understand why they didn't love her<br />
those other kids with those other parents<br />
they<br />
they loved those other kids<br />
maybe if she acted more like them<br />
acted the exact way they did!<br />
maybe if she put bows in her hair!<br />
her family would love her again<br />
and not hurt her in places she had no names for in the middle of the night<br />
The nights filled with confusion and pain and blood and…<br />
<br />
...and then she had to go away.<br />
she went to a place that was clean and things were so beautiful and the sun was always shining and horses were pink and bugs bunny and all the pretty faeries were her bestest friends.<br />
<br />
And she learned to go away to that place as soon as the pain started between her legs and the more she went the better it became and dragons protected this absolute peaceful perfection.<br />
this paradise that held no tears or stomach aches<br />
<br />
it got harder for her to leave it.<br />
Once when she was a teenager she decided to stay there for several years.<br />
it took her more than several years to come back and get used to this strange reality where everybody worked at jobs and went to college and drove cars and laughed with friends over coffee<br />
it was a weird world, it was very uncomfortable, her skin felt tight and ill fitting and she had a hard time mimicking those masks everybody walked around wearing...it was exhausting.<br />
even still, she worked very hard to get back to the Real World<br />
and even though it seemed like the wrong decision to stay<br />
now she cant get away<br />
She's old now and she wants more than anything to go back<br />
this life she has led has been confusing and full of pain she doesn't know how to process or fix<br />
She's never quite learned the language of this world no matter how hard she studied.<br />
She lost the way and she lost the key and she doesn't know the gatekeeper Dragon names anymore.<br />
<br />
so, she walks here<br />
alone<br />
and lost<br />
She's very tired.<br />
maybe one day she'll find her way back<br />
to where everything was possible and she could fly like an eagle</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-67720672711749003712011-04-30T21:34:00.000-07:002011-05-01T08:49:07.119-07:00She Sees<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">she sits in the middle of the colossal arena<br />
accepting of her fate of death<br />
the emptiness hollowed her out<br />
exhausted<br />
after so much fear and pain and tears<br />
sadness unbound<br />
the crowd jeers<br />
<br />
The Master of Ceremonies incites the flock<br />
hateful glee and spite twisting his ugly face<br />
his black soul revels in such degradation<br />
no mercy in the din<br />
He orchestrates the hatred toward this small<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">slave</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">her crime</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">peonage denied</div><br />
<br />
she looks up and sees the eagle soaring above<br />
she catches the feather<br />
gliding down to meet her filthy hand<br />
<br />
she catches images of what the madness looks like from soaring skies<br />
and she smiles<br />
and she stands tall<br />
and she walks free<br />
screams of outrage are no longer heard<br />
the spitting, red rage rolls off like the<br />
Mists of Dream Mountain<br />
her glowing clean skin untouched<br />
she hadn't noticed the open door from<br />
down here in the dirt & decay<br />
<br />
great Exaltation to you Mother Eagle<br />
you were always there<br />
waiting patiently<br />
for your beloved<br />
to See<br />
<br />
<br />
this poem is dedicated to Dave B.<br />
a Gentleman among the Beasts<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-14075738835424858872011-04-30T00:08:00.000-07:002011-04-30T00:08:51.977-07:00beehive stirred....<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">hairdo<br />
nest of bees<br />
stirring up<br />
<br />
mmm, dog has his day<br />
I hope you like rock soup<br />
<br />
There will be a day<br />
that things go right<br />
<br />
look into a passion<br />
and try to take it away<br />
<br />
that is the question<br />
is it worth it?<br />
<br />
Is it worth the hornets nest you just stirred up<br />
o invisible one<br />
<br />
I do not think ignorance of a situation quite<br />
duessssss<br />
<br />
It is my DIVINE RIGHT TO JOY<br />
I do not have to look over my shoulder<br />
<br />
I do not have to wait for your attack<br />
in every corner<br />
<br />
I forgot<br />
that is<br />
<br />
My divine RIGHT<br />
to live a life of joy<br />
<br />
what you misunderstand<br />
is not my responsibility<br />
<br />
I have lived in chains for years<br />
I prefer to not have yours around my neck anymore<br />
<br />
Hornets nest hornets nest<br />
was it worth it?<br />
<br />
To scare<br />
to threaten?<br />
<br />
To take what is mine?<br />
Because YOU think I am unworthy<br />
<br />
Do you really understand what it means<br />
to try and make a child hate their mother?<br />
<br />
It can't happen-first of all<br />
that little trick usually backfires on you<br />
<br />
silly rabbit<br />
not understanding the whole picture has a consequence<br />
<br />
beehive<br />
hairdo<br />
<br />
It all comes back to haunt you<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-25407033386202489912011-04-29T13:48:00.000-07:002011-04-29T13:52:02.428-07:00Monsters we are All<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">devastation</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">mother nature</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">fury with no conscience</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">or direction</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">gonna eat you</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">doesn't matter</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">if you have money or not</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">have some more plastic surgery and shut up</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">your lips are looking old</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">it will make you feel better</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">till next year</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">or the next model is revealed</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">you are saving hundreds of kids</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">from being born</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">from your diseased womb</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I don't judge though</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">whore</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">do what you gotta do</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">go fuck that young chick cause</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">yes</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">she has the power between her legs</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">to keep you vital</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">keep you young</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">make you richer</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">put her in that new Jag</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">nobody will figure out you don't actually like girls</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">oh you are so fine</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">What did you do today?</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Make some donations to a charity?</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">thats good, that's real good</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">a real good tax write off</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I do hope you don't get caught</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">with the dirty deals</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">though</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">that would really suck for those hungry children and cancer all that money is going to</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">you are so super</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">we need to find an award to give you</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">oh wait</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">There's one!</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">shaped like a golden ass</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">good man</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">beautiful woman</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Female?</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">I mean I am pretty sure cause you have super perfect tits</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">no hips</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">no hair</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">down there</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">but thats ok</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">nobody is actually looking</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">and its safer to fuck an illusion</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">than get caught</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">with who you really are</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">MONSTER</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-44446132644748826212011-04-29T11:40:00.000-07:002011-04-29T13:56:07.428-07:00this SHELL<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
<div style="font: normal normal normal 16px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A Shell</span></b></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A mask. <span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"></span></span></b></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A human body.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">doesn't entice the quarry</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Places to hide</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">To wear.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Vastly uncomfortable</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">To leave</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Infinitely more</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">if we did.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Smallness, I am so small </span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Save our soul.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">We choose these rooms.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Spilt second.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A chance. </span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The moment passed.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">To see true beauty.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">True power.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">so close yet untouchable</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">unreachable</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Cobwebs. </span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Darkness. </span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Shattered.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Too tired. </span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Too old. </span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Where is the second chance.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The golden ticket.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">It lives with unicorns</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">and faeries.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Fuck a deity?</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Be damn Specific</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Self esteem of steel</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Even then it wont be</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">half of what you need</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Just a bloody asshole</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">And a hangover.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Appetites never</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">to be sated.</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Aspirations premature</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">ejaculation</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Craving affection</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Requesting</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Fascination</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Reply is</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">rejection</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Ravenousness in an extinct</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Environment</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Inert</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">too late</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">too lacking</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">never enough</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">life motto</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Seethe malevolence</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">this blackhole</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Empty</span></b></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 11px/normal 'Lucida Grande'; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span style="letter-spacing: 0px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Shell</span></b></span></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-7237518651967258322011-04-28T10:11:00.000-07:002011-04-29T14:02:48.032-07:00where is it<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I heard a song<br />
talking heads<br />
where is my?<br />
and a list of things<br />
I want some of those things<br />
I waunt sum moor please<br />
We must think positive<br />
or we get nothing<br />
its human nature to destroy<br />
unless you are right with the world<br />
the world is not right with you<br />
thoughts become things<br />
if you are a sad sack<br />
please allow me the honor of giving you the underside of my boots to lick<br />
pull yourself up by the bootstraps<br />
you lazy pathetic shithead<br />
nose to the grindstone<br />
reach out for help if you need it<br />
KIDDING! HAHAHAHAHAAA<br />
its really inside you<br />
the truth of all<br />
lean on me<br />
you co-dependant dumbass<br />
you can't rely on others to make you feel better<br />
I will help you if you need it<br />
except actually<br />
thats what friends are for<br />
the phone rings forever<br />
where is my apple fucking pie??<br />
I love him<br />
he hates me<br />
I can't see anything anymore<br />
I can't see past this<br />
this is all there is really<br />
darkness<br />
pain<br />
there is nothing else<br />
there is no getting over it<br />
there is no light at the end of a tunnel<br />
struggle<br />
hate<br />
agony<br />
violence<br />
war<br />
babies dying<br />
waves killing them all<br />
I can't see anything else<br />
was there anything else?<br />
I don't remember<br />
I don't think there was<br />
I think that was a Target ad<br />
my mistake<br />
I should tear this thing apart<br />
don't see any reason to stop<br />
The jungle is so thick<br />
The vines are strangling me<br />
I must go<br />
where is the door?<br />
I forget<br />
I can't find it<br />
someone must have moved it while I took that catnap last year<br />
VAST playing on the iPod<br />
That person that wrote that?<br />
He got it<br />
he knows<br />
I think I would like him<br />
if he were a real person<br />
or if I was<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-62268545865110151962011-04-10T11:00:00.000-07:002011-04-10T11:00:33.630-07:00Henry Rollins<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I used to write him<br />
as a teenager verging on the young adult phase<br />
he wrote me back<br />
twice<br />
I used to read his poetry and relate to every fucking word<br />
I listened to all his music<br />
I saw him live once, doing his spoken word<br />
I witnessed his interactions with people<br />
behind the scenes<br />
he was a complete asshole.<br />
I walked past him when the show was over and he smiled at me.<br />
A friend saw him at a bar that night and said he was a complete asshole.<br />
Now he is a humanitarian<br />
wow<br />
if you've ever read anything by him<br />
the first few books of poetry is brutal<br />
and truthful<br />
that he goes around now and actually cares about this world?<br />
it amazes me that a person that wrote the bleak<br />
black words he did<br />
ever made it to thirty<br />
I still feel his words<br />
I still relate very well to them<br />
I haven't quite progressed from my utter contempt of this place<br />
I still breathe in<br />
I thought I would change once someone married me and I had children<br />
Who knew that makes it even worse<br />
divorced now<br />
children growing up in a world falling apart<br />
with even more war and racism and greed and narcissism than when I was growing up<br />
things haven't gotten even remotely better<br />
<br />
but he travels the world and puts a spotlight on how life is in these desolate<br />
places with people packed in and 50 people using one toilet<br />
and using that water from the toilet for<br />
everything<br />
and how things can GET BETTER<br />
even coming from that shithole shitfest<br />
and he has hope<br />
???<br />
I don't get it<br />
Henry?<br />
How did that happen?<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-20550688950037989122011-04-10T09:42:00.000-07:002011-04-27T16:08:34.618-07:00YOU<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">It means nothing<br />
your life<br />
your death<br />
your pain<br />
your joy<br />
that smile<br />
that frown<br />
that tear<br />
those years of tears<br />
all your impotent rage<br />
that garden you planted and cultivated for the perfect rose<br />
someone younger taking your husband<br />
someone younger taking your job<br />
someone doing every sport you tried, you giving 110%, better than your sorry ass<br />
that cat that boy killed<br />
that rainforest they destroyed for cattle to feed on to feed you<br />
all that music that inspired you<br />
all those dreams that died that day<br />
all those dreams that came true<br />
you getting raped<br />
you getting murdered<br />
your child dying<br />
your children suffering the same fate as you<br />
the cycle is broken<br />
the cycle is not broken<br />
who cares<br />
you caused it all<br />
you brought the pain<br />
you brought the happiness<br />
just you<br />
not some god(ess) you created<br />
not some sentient mother planet<br />
what you experience is the world<br />
it is the hell<br />
it is the heaven<br />
and when you go-so does it<br />
you may have affected others for the good<br />
or the bad<br />
but eventually they go too<br />
words get forgotten<br />
images burn out<br />
it's all you<br />
your fault<br />
your responsibility<br />
the great<br />
the horrible<br />
means nothing<br />
<br />
IT MEANS NOTHING</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-19726110682582218262011-04-09T06:13:00.000-07:002011-04-29T13:57:01.811-07:00Occlude<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">darkness encloses<br />
black cat my life<br />
grey cat yowls<br />
burning eye<br />
discomfiture<br />
never sated<br />
disillusioned<br />
it never ends<br />
but that can be arranged<br />
the only way<br />
it is endured<br />
is to be ignored<br />
mask is sealed<br />
mirror broken<br />
a bird is singing my last song<br />
on that dead tree over there<br />
the one that was supposed to bloom forever<br />
didn't this spring<br />
the season of my malcontent<br />
wasn't just a season<br />
to have a life that is not really real<br />
that can't be right<br />
the FALL of my life<br />
is the fall of my life<br />
the universe calls me<br />
I don't hear a sound<br />
the music has lost its appeal<br />
it's soothing balm<br />
it was all I had<br />
music and<br />
dreams<br />
was all I had<br />
and they are<br />
gone now<br />
not even their ghosts<br />
remain<br />
black cat sleeps<br />
grey cat is lost<br />
darkness saturates </div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-61341973203668518372011-04-08T14:16:00.000-07:002011-04-08T14:22:07.393-07:00and then she said<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">come and be with me<br />
for a little while<br />
we can pretend life is different<br />
and free<br />
we will make a nest in my bed<br />
for days upon days<br />
eat and play games<br />
watch old movies and fuck like beasts<br />
the world we know<br />
full of pain and fear,<br />
lost moments, opportunities and people<br />
all the misery that mires us<br />
will just go away<br />
we will create our own rules<br />
if there are any to create<br />
You can tell me anything<br />
even the scary dark stuff<br />
you hide away, deep down in there<br />
and I won't flinch<br />
and I'll hang on to you<br />
as tight as I can<br />
as you scream<br />
or cry<br />
or both<br />
I'll take you to the beach one day<br />
and show you my secret place<br />
that soothes the scattered mind<br />
you can almost feel<br />
what it feels like to be a real boy<br />
you won't want to leave me<br />
when our respite is up<br />
I will seduce you with<br />
my soothing ways<br />
the softness of me<br />
the curve of my hips<br />
I will let you drown in<br />
a shade of blue<br />
my eyes can turn<br />
that I have never allowed<br />
anyone to see<br />
I would give you the real girl<br />
I hide away, deep down in there<br />
that bides her time,<br />
that waits<br />
and shines<br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3960095007721671661.post-29244332339390923942011-04-08T11:51:00.000-07:002011-04-29T13:57:20.281-07:00HAUNTING is an understatement<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">If its possible<br />
If there is anything<br />
after<br />
this black hole piss hell<br />
life<br />
I will come after you<br />
like no ghost<br />
in the history of stories<br />
ever told<br />
I will shit in your mouth<br />
I will rip you to shreds every time<br />
your eyes start to droop<br />
Every attempt at solace and calm<br />
I will tear asunder<br />
I will make sure<br />
you feel every ounce<br />
of rage<br />
stored inside me<br />
every black eye<br />
every choke upon my neck<br />
every hit upon my skin<br />
every harsh brutal word<br />
you spoke against me<br />
and yes, that includes<br />
every lie you ever told<br />
I will make my goal in death<br />
to utterly and<br />
completely<br />
destroy your life.<br />
No death for you<br />
no release<br />
no relief<br />
just PAIN<br />
endless<br />
endless<br />
Pain<br />
My vow to you,<br />
the one that murdered me<br />
<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial, helvetica, 'bitstream vera sans', clean, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 16px;">© 2011 NKFL</span><br />
<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0