Wednesday, March 30, 2011


I know you enter this site with a warning and again with my title.
I feel the need to warn once more, before I proceed with this post.
I feel this may be the most brutal I have ever been...even though I have only woken with a notion of what I want to say here today.

The subject is parents...boy can they fuck a world up.
I saw a post on Facebook the other day from a woman I hold in high respect, about how her dad made her feel like the most incomprehensible imbecile.
And yet another, a person I deem a Wise One, agree with her with his own story of how a dad can fuck a child up... even as an adult-a highly successful adult, a man that is a great dad himself.

Yes, I agreed with every word they wrote on that thread.
How even as adults we feel like we have transported ourselves to the age of 12 and want desperately the approval of these bizarre beings that somehow are genetically and emotionally attached to us.
We want them to love us.
To think we are special.
To beam smiles and light into our hearts.
To have that precious Hallmark moment.

Even when this is an impossible thing and we know this with every fiber of our being-we still want it like Christmas ...or the absolute magic that is 'supposed' to be Christmas.

I recently had to deal with this situation with my mother.
 I let her go.
 I allowed her to stomp out of my home in yet another childish huff without one beg, one please, one hope that she would wake the fuck up and realize what the fuck she was doing.
I didn't allow her to put her madness on my shoulders.
That sounds easy, huh?
I have been unravelling slowly since she slammed the door.

I had reached my limit on yet another person in my life telling me they would be there for me. It was something they said to make themselves feel good, not thinking they would actually have to be there for me.
Next time-a person that tells me they will help me, will have to endure a couple of questions about what exactly that means.
Or better yet, I'll smile and nod and walk the fuck away.

I am an orphan.
I also detached from every member of my family that day as well.
I thought to myself, why?
Why do I put myself through this shit time after fucking time?
They have never been there for me...and actually, come to think of it...
They made any difficult moment in my life..even worse. Unimaginably worse!
I mean, to my mind...I need help, family should fucking rally around.

I know if my children needed it, they could have my fucking eyeballs-no questions asked.

I repeated all these wonderful traits I grew up with in my friends and lovers.
I swear I have never met a more useless bunch of people.
I have never felt more incredibly incompetent than with the people I had chosen to surround myself with.
By taking the step to banish my family, has given me the next step of not allowing anymore bullshit with my real life friends.
I have taken a hefty fucking chop to the amount of people in my life.

It is a good direction for my 'all growed up' mental state.

My dad was repeated and continues to repeat himself insidiously
in my life and I haven't had contact with that monster since I was 13.

But even now, 3 kids later, my age creeping...I still do not know how to relate to males and even certain females except sexually.
When you are taught from the age of 11 that you are only needed for your pussy, it makes sense.
That is the only value I have. I say that in present tense because I still believe it. Hopefully this will be another thing to fall away soon.

If men don't relate to me sexually...I seriously have no clue how to deal with them.
I don't understand and completely assume it is because I am hideous in some way-not 'good' enough...which is no surprise, since I suffer from body dysmorphic disorder as well.
I have thought I am this disgusting, disfigured 'thing' since the age of 9.
No amount of people telling me I am pretty or the amount of drugs I tried or the hours I put into therapy has solved that problem.

I used to think a good looking male telling me nice things every day would help.
I married that man and then he switched the menu on me and started telling me all the things I already thought of myself.
To summerize-that I was the most worthless piece of shit ever to walk this world.
He used my weakness as his greatest weapon and I swallowed it hook line and sinker.
Now that I am divorced, I have the need to seek new ways to embarrass & debase myself.

It isn't even something I realize I am doing...I just follow the most emotionally unavailable people down the rabbit hole.
But that is changing as well.
Its about time I started doling out my own self esteem and tell the world to go fuck itself.
This is why I am celibate, this is why I am not dating. This is why I am social in very small doses.
I am so raw right now.
My shattered ego can be, as a phenomenal writer told me, "raped by a pea".
My sex would still have to be utterly humiliating for me to cum.
I am starting to realize I don't have to cut my skin to pieces to feel or to stop feeling things so intensely...
I do have the power.
I do have the control.

So, I take a break.
I sit quietly.
I am stronger than I imagine.
Even now, sitting here in this morning dark, I am fighting the demons that threaten to rip me apart if turn my head to look at them...
I mean Christ, I have survived my parents raping me mind, body and soul.
I have survived a horribly abusive marriage.
And those are just the highlights...there has been so many, many things most people would not have gotten up from.
I grew up an island and I am still here and I have 3 kids that I adore and Adore me.
My oldest girl actually bragged to her friends that she has a 'cool mom'...yes, I overheard that recently...and yes, that did a world of good to this scarred heart.

Monday, March 28, 2011


I thought I saw you out of the corner of my eye last week.
I think I saw you across the street yesterday.
I know you saw me.
I know you have been thinking about me.
You are obsessed with me.
And now, here you are, right in front of me.
Staring me down in that cold, empty way of yours.
I really wish you would just go away.
You don't belong anywhere.
You cause me complications
and pain
and unnecessary road blocks
on my path to a beautiful lie, I mean Life.
I really despise you.
I abhor you.
Piece of Shit.
I would kill you if you had a corporeal form.
I would murder you in the most disgusting ways.
and slowly.
I don't see your point.
You make no damn fucking sense to me.
But come on.
Come here.
And hold on to me.
I will lay down with you

for awhile.

© 2011 NKFL

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Dear You,

I wrote you a letter last night.
It was incredibly long.
It took me a half hour to write.
I told you how I would like to kidnap you
And make you my bitch.
And ever.

But I don't really know if I want that.
I wanted it yesterday.

To be realistic, it would never work.
It's impossible.
Maybe if we had met at another time.

The thing is, I have a big secret.
I'm dead.
I have been for years.
It was a bit of a revelation to me as well,
until bits and pieces of me started falling off in the shower.
Most people don't notice at first
but then they get a good look,
and it's so obvious
by the horror on their face.
They try not to run away
and vomit
from the stench of my rotting flesh.
It's actually a sweet gesture that they
try so hard to be polite.

I'm sorry for any inconvenience
But I actually like you enough to be up front
about it.
before you realize
My disturbing truth.
Maybe one day the authorities will catch on and have me buried
in the potters field.
Until then, I'll just be...
Where ever Here is.


Saturday, March 26, 2011

I would like to start smoking again
and drinking too much
and maybe finding a drug dealer
to supply an adequate fix

I want to sit and write
smoking cigarette after cigarette
drunk off my ass
in the dark
in the cold
'cause I can't afford electricity

'cause I can't stand being around anyone
I am tired of taking care of everyone
without having the time to take care of me
or even to take a bath

I want a temporary hiatus of being a
broken dreamed
middle aged
single mother
pet care
dog walker
jungle gym


I want to be completely
fuck everyone that catches my eye
and not even remotely in a 'vanilla' sort of way
to dance till 5am
get into fights
eat everything that's unhealthy
drive way too fucking fast
in a hot car
with the music blaring

to do this without any consequences

I want to be Dorian Grey
for a little while
without the tragic ending

This is just me thinking...
thoughts and



She comes
Black silent wings
whisper in the night
warrior armor
Sword full of flame
She is not your salvation
See your death
in her shield
She is Chaos
She is the wrath
of every God
She is the blood
surging from your
lethal wounds

She will end you
She will end everything

© 2011 NKFL


I am the dog in that
too small cage
with that
too small collar
Unleash me
I know I am trying to
rip your hand to shreds
through these
too small bars
I know I am showing
all my big
nasty teeth
nasty growls
Unleash me
I'm a good dog
I'm just in this
too small cage
with this
too small collar
Unleash me

©2011 NKFL 


So, with a few mouth is written word is unbound rather.
Depending on which mood I will be falling into next...I'll be changing this to an adult content setting


Yes, Joe...let's eat.
very soon

Friday, March 25, 2011

3rd blog is the charm?

New Blog
Hopefully more than 4 people will read this one.

The problem is...I have to watch my mouth and not be so brutally honest and-
Christ...I can't believe I am writing this: Polite.

This should be interesting.

And most likely, if it wasn't a matter of filtering myself because the threat of certain people using everything they can against me legally....


I started my first blog to help me through a rough patch...a year and a half later...apparently a rough patch should be translated to: Honey, your life will be dogpoo, get used to it, and learn to love the smell.

Trying all the positive stuff...actually Living the positive things...doesn't work for me.
I should have known.
Anything touted by the 'norm' will NOT work for me.
I am not normal, I have never been normal, I will never be normal.
I am at the advanced age to not really want such things anymore.
I just want easy.
Give me easy for the next 40 years...I'll take it.

I am mired in self doubt and hatred.
I am beyond lost.
I have no direction and so far no opportunities knocking at my door.
Which isn't an easy thing to wake up to in the morning.

I do know, that if I can free myself from the self doubt and self hatred I could have just about anything I choose.
Which brings me back to these positive things I have been trying...
I need to find the key to open these possibilities
I need to find the first step of the ladder.

I won't list all the things I have tried, it might actually work for might be one of those normal folks I hear such great things about.

I won't give my blog a subject matter this time...I'll write whatever I want...within legal guidelines of course.
Which may have just doomed this new blog to one entry.

I can say this without getting into trouble.
(famous last words?)
And this is random:
I like someone much more than I should.
I have, at my middle age, just experienced my very first school girl crush.

I guess better to have one than never
or to have experience it once rather than never
How the hell does that saying go?

Maybe I should consider using the word Hell less.

How do people manage NOT cussing?
I think I didn't at some point in my life use such colorful language, but that of course was when I had all those words-a whole dictionary full of words at my disposal...
although the memory is very
very vague.

I don't think about such things most of the time.
I have stopped watching the news and avoid the news tags when I check my email.
Everything is so incredibly many people dying in the most horrid mind can't take anymore.
I can't take my life being this shitty and the world falling apart at the same needs to be one or the other.
I'll take the shitty and the world can be