Friday, March 25, 2011

3rd blog is the charm?

New Blog
Hopefully more than 4 people will read this one.

The problem is...I have to watch my mouth and not be so brutally honest and-
Christ...I can't believe I am writing this: Polite.

This should be interesting.

And most likely, if it wasn't a matter of filtering myself because the threat of certain people using everything they can against me legally....

eh
whatever.


Anyway,
I started my first blog to help me through a rough patch...a year and a half later...apparently a rough patch should be translated to: Honey, your life will be dogpoo, get used to it, and learn to love the smell.


Trying all the positive stuff...actually Living the positive things...doesn't work for me.
I should have known.
Anything touted by the 'norm' will NOT work for me.
I am not normal, I have never been normal, I will never be normal.
I am at the advanced age to not really want such things anymore.
I just want easy.
Give me easy for the next 40 years...I'll take it.


I am mired in self doubt and hatred.
I am beyond lost.
I have no direction and so far no opportunities knocking at my door.
Which isn't an easy thing to wake up to in the morning.

I do know, that if I can free myself from the self doubt and self hatred I could have just about anything I choose.
Which brings me back to these positive things I have been trying...
I need to find the key to open these possibilities
I need to find the first step of the ladder.

I won't list all the things I have tried, it might actually work for you...you might be one of those normal folks I hear such great things about.


I won't give my blog a subject matter this time...I'll write whatever I want...within legal guidelines of course.
Which may have just doomed this new blog to one entry.


I can say this without getting into trouble.
(famous last words?)
And this is random:
I like someone much more than I should.
I have, at my middle age, just experienced my very first school girl crush.

I guess better to have one than never
or to have experience it once rather than never
How the hell does that saying go?

Maybe I should consider using the word Hell less.

How do people manage NOT cussing?
I think I didn't at some point in my life use such colorful language, but that of course was when I had all those words-a whole dictionary full of words at my disposal...
although the memory is vague...so very
very vague.



I don't think about such things most of the time.
I have stopped watching the news and avoid the news tags when I check my email.
Everything is so incredibly bad...so many people dying in the most horrid ways...my mind can't take anymore.
I can't take my life being this shitty and the world falling apart at the same time...it needs to be one or the other.
I'll take the shitty and the world can be ok...deal?



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