Friday, March 25, 2011

3rd blog is the charm?

New Blog
Hopefully more than 4 people will read this one.

The problem is...I have to watch my mouth and not be so brutally honest and-
Christ...I can't believe I am writing this: Polite.

This should be interesting.

And most likely, if it wasn't a matter of filtering myself because the threat of certain people using everything they can against me legally....


I started my first blog to help me through a rough patch...a year and a half later...apparently a rough patch should be translated to: Honey, your life will be dogpoo, get used to it, and learn to love the smell.

Trying all the positive stuff...actually Living the positive things...doesn't work for me.
I should have known.
Anything touted by the 'norm' will NOT work for me.
I am not normal, I have never been normal, I will never be normal.
I am at the advanced age to not really want such things anymore.
I just want easy.
Give me easy for the next 40 years...I'll take it.

I am mired in self doubt and hatred.
I am beyond lost.
I have no direction and so far no opportunities knocking at my door.
Which isn't an easy thing to wake up to in the morning.

I do know, that if I can free myself from the self doubt and self hatred I could have just about anything I choose.
Which brings me back to these positive things I have been trying...
I need to find the key to open these possibilities
I need to find the first step of the ladder.

I won't list all the things I have tried, it might actually work for might be one of those normal folks I hear such great things about.

I won't give my blog a subject matter this time...I'll write whatever I want...within legal guidelines of course.
Which may have just doomed this new blog to one entry.

I can say this without getting into trouble.
(famous last words?)
And this is random:
I like someone much more than I should.
I have, at my middle age, just experienced my very first school girl crush.

I guess better to have one than never
or to have experience it once rather than never
How the hell does that saying go?

Maybe I should consider using the word Hell less.

How do people manage NOT cussing?
I think I didn't at some point in my life use such colorful language, but that of course was when I had all those words-a whole dictionary full of words at my disposal...
although the memory is very
very vague.

I don't think about such things most of the time.
I have stopped watching the news and avoid the news tags when I check my email.
Everything is so incredibly many people dying in the most horrid mind can't take anymore.
I can't take my life being this shitty and the world falling apart at the same needs to be one or the other.
I'll take the shitty and the world can be

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