Friday, May 27, 2011

The alarm bells
the bell is an alarm

wake up
wake up
wake up
wake the FUCK UP

You lose everything and
THEN you realize?
 how stupid
what a waste

the pain is the thing
the pain is what moves us
what inspires us
what changes our lives

the golden road
the path less followed
here I go

Monday, May 23, 2011

square peg in a round hole

to have something solely
and exclusively
satisfy something so deep within you
you weren't even aware you needed it
like oxygen
into the very cells and beyond
a hint,
a breath,
a taste
so far beyond wonderful
it may annihilate you
with such profound beauty
& purity

What would you do for that?

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Bruce and Daisy

Bruce and Daisy are of different 'colors' and backgrounds and environment.
They are becoming friends.
They started watching each other from a distance quite some time ago.
Studying the other, not sure what they were looking for.
Smelling the wind, so many markers for the scent to tell them what's what.
Bruce made sure to pee on every inch of the fence for her convenience.

Bruce is very lonely.
He lost his best friend over a year ago.
She was a victim of racial profiling and general ignorance.
She was a pitbull mix and her life was cut short by mob mentality.
But that's another story entirely.
Bruce is not exactly in the best place to be picky with the company of others.
Even if it's a cat.
And besides, the cats in his own household are friendly...remote and snobbish at times, yes, but he has never had any trouble getting along.

Bruce jumped at Daisy last week.
Daisy made it quite clear, that this was not acceptable behavior with a swift paw to claws of course.
Daisy's human had her declawed.
(My own personal opinion of such a barbaric thing must sit beside me-unheard.)
Not that it mattered, Bruce doesn't know that and was surprised by the sudden action.
He had to show he meant no disrespect.
I mean, his emotions tend to get a little overwhelming at times and he hadn't seen another animal in hours at least.
He respectfully sat down, became very still and nervously kept an eye on the small feet.
Showing Daisy he was ok with this situation and would try very hard to be a good boy.

Watching these two this morning.
What a great lesson in my course of life right now.
They laid near each other, nose to nose but with a nice gap of space for escape, should the need arise.
A dog that outweighs and out teethes this small cat...I was amazed at the calm.
They did a dance to see how close they could come to each other while still maintaining a comfort level.
Back and forth they went, testing out their own personal space limitations.
I am pretty sure, by knowing Bruce much longer, that he would have no problem with Daisy sitting on his face.
Daisy is still working on keeping her hair and back down when Bruce comes to sniff her butt.

It's a game of boundaries.
It's a question of trust.

They are quite cute with all the staring and then ignoring-they don't want to seem too eager.
They are both quite lonely, but that doesn't mean they are desperate or pitiful.
No, there is a lot of self control and high self esteem in them both.
It comes from living in the moment and not thinking to much about their self-worth or where they fit into the world I think.

This looks like the beginning of a lifelong solid friendship.
Bruce chased off another blasted Crow.
Daisy appears to be incredibly impressed with that.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

in the powerful
vise grip
of this



feel it
I will feel it
let it flow through me
let it consume me
cremate me
to unimaginable woe
sweet sorrow
come to me
massive attack
give me everything
bring me more
blaze through the core of me

when I think I can't stand one
takes me under
drowns me
in this


what's this?

notes on the wind
this song is so familiar
yet I can't quite catch the tune

fingertips touch
fall into pieces of ash
oh so slow
inferno kisses of misery
down my arm
on to my chest
my breasts
that's it
feel everything
exquisite pain
turning into
turning into
exquisite agony

and then we fall even deeper
my stomach
my hips
my thighs
my legs down to my toes

blow me away with a soft whisper
I become the wind
we were always together
moment of birth
to this
not death as this world knows it
death is a change

and it never ends
She is with me
we never

I am now every breath
in every lung
in every creature
when the trees bend
into the sweet sway
our eternal dance


Dance with me

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dear Universe,

I do not actually want to die.
I want a life worth living.
And since you always give me what I want, can you get this to me ASAP?
Cause things are getting dark and I can’t see your little hints and guides and 
small gestures that are telling me everything will be ok.
I can’t believe in them right now and I can’t pull myself up from this.
I really have nothing to wake up for or I can’t see what there is to wake up for and all the positive thoughts in the world can’t help me out of this.
I need you, Universe, My Creator, My Love-get me out of this Hell, let me live as a complete human.
I am tired of walking around dead-it doesn’t work for me.
I don’t need years of training, or even a week. I can handle it now, thank you.
Let me BE-Fully BE.
I would think this world would rather have me shine if they only knew the enormity of what I hold inside. I mean, if I can see it! IF I CAN SEE it HERE IN THIS BLACKNESS! holy shit! imagine!
My strength is gone, I’m running on fumes here and not much more time with that I reckon.
At this point, there needs to be something bigger, something stronger to get me through.
I can't do this alone and please stop sending me this...
too little too late bullshit...we both know how well that goes.
I want to laugh. I want to smile at things for no goddamn reason. I want some fun. I want to play.
I want to CREATE all these things stuck in my head. I have so much money to make from these things! Lets get to it, huh?
Im not expecting flowers flowing out my ass every day , every second-but it can't be the reverse either, it cant just be DESPAIR ALL THE FUCKING TIME EITHER.
not only do I not see the forest for the trees...I'm highly suspicious, if these are even "trees".
Signed-you know who

Thursday, May 5, 2011

she was a child

she was a child and she didn't understand
she didn't understand why they didn't love her
those other kids with those other parents
they loved those other kids
maybe if she acted more like them
acted the exact way they did!
maybe if she put bows in her hair!
her family would love her again
and not hurt her in places she had no names for in the middle of the night
The nights filled with confusion and pain and blood and…

...and then she had to go away.
she went to a place that was clean and things were so beautiful and the sun was always shining and horses were pink and bugs bunny and all the pretty faeries were her bestest friends.

And she learned to go away to that place as soon as the pain started between her legs and the more she went the better it became and dragons protected this absolute peaceful perfection.
this paradise that held no tears or stomach aches

it got harder for her to leave it.
Once when she was a teenager she decided to stay there for several years.
it took her more than several years to come back and get used to this strange reality where everybody worked at jobs and went to college and drove cars and laughed with friends over coffee
it was a weird world, it was very uncomfortable, her skin felt tight and ill fitting and she had a hard time mimicking those masks everybody walked around was exhausting.
even still, she worked very hard to get back to the Real World
and even though it seemed like the wrong decision to stay
now she cant get away
She's old now and she wants more than anything to go back
this life she has led has been confusing and full of pain she doesn't know how to process or fix
She's never quite learned the language of this world no matter how hard she studied.
She lost the way and she lost the key and she doesn't know the gatekeeper Dragon names anymore.

so, she walks here
and lost
She's very tired.
maybe one day she'll find her way back
to where everything was possible and she could fly like an eagle