DAY 1- 5 more hours to go

I think my small fruit at the end of this should definitely be a pomegranate martini.
The anger is there
The tears are there
I don't feel like a breakthrough is coming though.
I just feel like absolute shit.

I want to know why but I don't
I want everything I want and I want it now.

This is frustration x1000

this is the state of mind where no one wants to deal with you
this is the state of mind where even YOU don't want to deal with you
I am sick of my own fucking bullshit.

And blogging about it is irritating and stupid.
and so is noise...even nature...I want to throw rocks at all these goddamn birds that are singing with such joy at the lovely blue sky and fresh fucking cool breezes...I want to spit on the glorious SUNSHINE...Goddamn you and your insane bright beauty!
bah
and breathing is just a truly fucked up thing to be doing.
Screw oxygen.
AND
I am not hungry.
FUCK FOOD 

Day 1-Fasting on Water-24 hours

Steeling myself up for the emotional overload a fasting brings.
I will be vigilant with my moods.
I am in control.
I am strong.
This is so incredibly good for my body, mind and spirit.

Soon-with toxins out of my system and eating extremely healthy,
My mind will be clear.
I will have energy.
I will have the vocabulary I used to have.
I am pretty sure all those words are still there.
With definitions too I imagine.
OMG and FACTS!
I sort of recall having a lot of facts about...stuff.
Various and interesting 'stuff' too.
Oh, WOW and spellcheck might not be used as often!
woo!

I did quite enjoy having conversations and using the 'big' words...mmhm.



9 hours to go
Thank god most of the fasting was after dinner and sleeping.

This will be a piece of cake.
No, not cake.
Don't think about cake.

Easy as pie.

Oh shit.

The alarm bells
the bell is an alarm

wake up
wake up
wake up
wake the FUCK UP

You lose everything and
THEN you realize?
 how stupid
what a waste

the pain is the thing
the pain is what moves us
what inspires us
what changes our lives

the golden road
the path less followed
here I go

square peg in a round hole

to have something solely
and exclusively
satisfy something so deep within you
you weren't even aware you needed it
like oxygen
into the very cells and beyond
a hint,
a breath,
a taste
so far beyond wonderful
it may annihilate you
with such profound beauty
& purity

What would you do for that?

Bruce and Daisy

Bruce and Daisy are of different 'colors' and backgrounds and environment.
They are becoming friends.
They started watching each other from a distance quite some time ago.
Studying the other, not sure what they were looking for.
Smelling the wind, so many markers for the scent to tell them what's what.
Bruce made sure to pee on every inch of the fence for her convenience.

Bruce is very lonely.
He lost his best friend over a year ago.
She was a victim of racial profiling and general ignorance.
She was a pitbull mix and her life was cut short by mob mentality.
But that's another story entirely.
Bruce is not exactly in the best place to be picky with the company of others.
Even if it's a cat.
And besides, the cats in his own household are friendly...remote and snobbish at times, yes, but he has never had any trouble getting along.

Bruce jumped at Daisy last week.
Daisy made it quite clear, that this was not acceptable behavior with a swift paw to face...no claws of course.
Daisy's human had her declawed.
(My own personal opinion of such a barbaric thing must sit beside me-unheard.)
Not that it mattered, Bruce doesn't know that and was surprised by the sudden action.
He had to show he meant no disrespect.
I mean, his emotions tend to get a little overwhelming at times and he hadn't seen another animal in hours at least.
He respectfully sat down, became very still and nervously kept an eye on the small feet.
Showing Daisy he was ok with this situation and would try very hard to be a good boy.

Watching these two this morning.
What a great lesson in my course of life right now.
They laid near each other, nose to nose but with a nice gap of space for escape, should the need arise.
A dog that outweighs and out teethes this small cat...I was amazed at the calm.
They did a dance to see how close they could come to each other while still maintaining a comfort level.
Back and forth they went, testing out their own personal space limitations.
I am pretty sure, by knowing Bruce much longer, that he would have no problem with Daisy sitting on his face.
Daisy is still working on keeping her hair and back down when Bruce comes to sniff her butt.

It's a game of boundaries.
It's a question of trust.

They are quite cute with all the staring and then ignoring-they don't want to seem too eager.
They are both quite lonely, but that doesn't mean they are desperate or pitiful.
No, there is a lot of self control and high self esteem in them both.
It comes from living in the moment and not thinking to much about their self-worth or where they fit into the world I think.

This looks like the beginning of a lifelong solid friendship.
Bruce chased off another blasted Crow.
Daisy appears to be incredibly impressed with that.

in the powerful
vise grip
of this
this


this

oh
god
no
yesss

feel it
I will feel it
finally
utterly
let it flow through me
let it consume me
cremate me
bones
fused
to unimaginable woe
blood
seethe
simmer
sweet sorrow
come to me
fully
massive attack
give me everything
now
more
pain
yes
bring me more
more
please
blaze through the core of me

beyond
when I think I can't stand one
more
second
ferocious
violence
takes me under
drowns me
in this
this

this


wait
what's this?


notes on the wind
this song is so familiar
yet I can't quite catch the tune

fingertips touch
and
fall into pieces of ash
moving
slow
oh so slow
inferno kisses of misery
down my arm
on to my chest
my breasts
grey
crackling
flesh
yes
that's it
feel everything
breathe
hard
exquisite pain
turning into
ecstasy
turning into
exquisite agony

and then we fall even deeper
my stomach
my hips
my thighs
my legs down to my toes
incinerate

blow me away with a soft whisper
I become the wind
we were always together
moment of birth
to this
death
not death as this world knows it
death is a change
transition
ascension
evolution

and it never ends
She is with me
forever
we never
cease

I am now every breath
in every lung
in every creature
and
when the trees bend
into the sweet sway
that's
our eternal dance

come

Dance with me

Dear Universe,

I do not actually want to die.

I want a life worth living.

And since you always give me what I want, can you get this to me ASAP?

Cause things are getting dark and I can’t see your little hints and guides and 

small gestures that are telling me everything will be ok.

I can’t believe in them right now and I can’t pull myself up from this.

I really have nothing to wake up for or I can’t see what there is to wake up for and all the positive thoughts in the world can’t help me out of this.

I need you, Universe, My Creator, My Love-get me out of this Hell, let me live as a complete human.

I am tired of walking around dead-it doesn’t work for me.

I don’t need years of training, or even a week. I can handle it now, thank you.

Let me BE-Fully BE.

I would think this world would rather have me shine if they only knew the enormity of what I hold inside. I mean, if I can see it! IF I CAN SEE it HERE IN THIS BLACKNESS! holy shit! imagine!

My strength is gone, I’m running on fumes here and not much more time with that I reckon.

At this point, there needs to be something bigger, something stronger to get me through.

I can't do this alone and please stop sending me this...

this...

too little too late bullshit...we both know how well that goes.

I want to laugh. I want to smile at things for no goddamn reason. I want some fun. I want to play.

I want to CREATE all these things stuck in my head. I have so much money to make from these things! Lets get to it, huh?

Look-

Im not expecting flowers flowing out my ass every day , every second-but it can't be the reverse either, it cant just be DESPAIR ALL THE FUCKING TIME EITHER.

not only do I not see the forest for the trees...I'm highly suspicious, if these are even "trees".

Signed-you know who