ho'oponopono

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoʻoponopono


I love you
I'm sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you

I think that this hawaiian prayer should be directed at myself now.
I have been the most cruel and neglectful and unforgiving to the person I spit at in the mirror daily.

24 hour fast starts now

empty myself out in all ways
maybe the good creative stuff will flow back in..

Finish this story
edit the flash piece
finish 2 more shorts
I actually have places to submit these too
fuck
I have the damnedest time finishing anything
but
this is not hard
this shouldn't be so hard

I stare at the cursor blinking

Empty out
empty it all the fuck out
lost another friend
misunderstandings seem to be the theme of my year
and the fact no one will listen or admit any wrongdoing or accept apologies etc etc etc
or have put me in a box with a label and will refuse to see it any other way out of fear and narcissism.

can't give in to the negative..it has dined on my mind and soul long enough.
I will get everything I want...it will be there.
I will work for it
I will grab it by the fucking neck when it comes along
I will see the opportunities, stop being so blind to them
etc
etc
etc

and then when I am in the position to lend a helping hand
I can tell them all to fuck off
It will be a swell, peachy keen moment
to want people to FEEL TRULY BAD about hurting you...
I really don't see how that is so wrong.

never underestimate the power of Vengeance
What the fuck have they done except further my malcontent and anger and pain?
fuck them
Anger has it's place...


there is no light without the darkness

A blog in two parts

Firstly
Terri Plewa
What a gift it was to friend her on Facebook a year ago.

I have learned much.
And her new blog post...I have been floored.
So, check her out and make your own decisions but I can guarantee something she has to say will hit you in the core of your soul and make things a hellava lot clearer.
http://terriplewa.com/blog/



Secondly
 And harder than I care to admit to writing...
...is another truth that has hit me quite hard just recently but is very much profound and needful and if this post helps one fucking person or gets someone that knows someone with this and can get that message to them...it will be worth it.


Body Dysmorphic Disorder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

That's the description and vaguely how it affects a life
It doesn't even come close to the living Hell it actually is.

It is not something that has anything to do with vanity...but it is a completely understandable mistake.
To be completely taken over with your body, this body that is really not important when you take in infinity...but yet...that doesn't quite register with someone that has this.
A person with this thinks that if the outer shell is perfect, everything will be perfect, she/he will be loved and cared about and life will be easy breezy covergirl, there will be money, fame, a lifetime subscription to a fucking yacht club for FREE... if only she/he was perfect they would fit into this world like everyone else seems to...
 and that seems completely logical and factual.
I think the one I am personally hooked on is 'love' in every form of it...they would all love me if I looked PERFECT...how could they not?

Here's the low down dirty truth:
It has to do with a self-hatred on a level that few will ever comprehend and hopefully never feel.
I don't even know how long I have tried to destroy myself.
I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

I have had it since I can remember, but never really knowing I had it.
A few years ago realized this is what has insidiously taken my life away. Literally.
It has affected and saturated every second of my life since I can remember the first 'episode' at age nine.

I have mentioned it from time to time and I have shared it with a few people but the enormity of it, the monumental way it has almost killed me...was never entered into it.

And now, I see with great clarity...that every decision I made, every decision I didn't make, every person I ever encountered, every relationship I have been in from acquaintance to lover, every action I did or didn't do, every waking thought and emotion has been ruled by this disorder.
I have been ruled by a monster looking back at me in the mirror.
Who is to blame?
No one.
It just is what it is.
There is nothing I can do to reclaim the gifts I let go, the opportunities I let slide, the people that I have lost in my life or the biggest mind fuck...all that TIME...just fucking gone.

I can only move forward. I can only battle this second by second, thought by thought, and to try not to grimace and spit at my reflection.
This is all I can do.


It isn't as simple as going to therapy or taking a pill or the never ending self chatter of telling myself what I see in the mirror isn't really the true image...it's going to take something bigger than me, bigger than this disorder.

I will, everytime it comes up, take Terri's advice and fill myself with the Love, in the capital sense, in the divine sense.
This will be the hardest thing I have ever  had to face, this Thing, this constant companion, its like my skin, it fills my very DNA.

So begins the work...I'm more than ready to be free of this.

Tips my Grandmother told me

My grandmother was a smart woman but not very happy.
So for most of my life I ignored her advice...she made no sense to me.
It has been my lifelong goal to ignore most advice actually.
My logic was: If you are not perfect & living a perfect life, how the hell can you tell me anything?
I think this is my biggest issue with the majority of 'christians'.
I always saw it as very hypocritical.

But there is very good advice out there, even from the most flawed human.
I am finding this out as small things come up in my life and I realize:
Grandmother was right.

Tip I am finding out today:
If your stomach is empty for any extended period of time: eat broth first

I hadn't eaten for 2 days and last night took my kids out to a steak place
and had the potato soup with a salad.
I also stole some of my daughters sauteed mushrooms that were cooked just about better than I have ever tasted.

I didn't eat much, for such a long time without food-I really wasn't that hungry.
...maybe 5 spoonfuls of soup, a few more bites of salad and 5 tiny mushrooms.
Holy fuck...that small amount of food was all it took to cause some major intestinal damage.

I am paying for it.
Nausea...headache...
and other things that make you run to the bathroom.
Cramping that makes me wonder if things aren't literally getting ripped apart inside me.

So, yeah, broth next time.
I'll be in bed the rest of the day thinking about that.

Happy Father's Day

Yes, even me of all people are wishing all fathers, the dads of the world: A happy day because YOU matter.

I know this because I wanted a dad more than a fucking pony at Christmas...a real dad that didn't hurt me and scare the living shit out of me and played some type of ball with me and tickled me and called me princess and lil punkin and who's smile and laughter lit up my life.

A daddy that I ran to at breakneck speed when he got home from work and almost break his back with my hugs and kisses.

I could ride on top of his shoulders when we went to the park and feel like I ruled a kingdom.

A dad that came to school on Career Day and I could whisper with excitement to all my friends,"that's MY daddy!"

I wanted to be totally in love with my dad till I hit puberty and that strange awkwardness came into play...yes, even that is special.

A dad to get all grumpy and look intensely at my boyfriends and threaten to kill them if they laid a hand on me.

A daddy to give me away at the altar to a man that was just as kind and strong and smart as he was, a man that my father respected and knew would take care of his little girl-"only the best for my daughter".

Someone I could base all my future encounters from a solid base of love & light that only can come from a good dad...and especially, to not be afraid of men.

But, I didn't have that, so, fuck it, moving on, moving on...

So, all you daddies: Fucking A kudos to you...good job, pat on the back...your children are better in this world because you exist.

I even and most importantly...wish my ex a Happy Father's Day because without him, I wouldn't have the greatest blessings my life has ever known. My babies, my angels, my world, my breath.

And I truly wish, with all my heart...that he enjoys this special day with his children and they enjoy this day with their daddy.

*and those of you that know my history...no, I have not lost my mind :)

Day 2: The Recovery

Recovering day from the Fast:

Got up late.
This is the day to eat raw fruit and veggies and very little...only to fill-not to be full.

I can't eat though.

Not hungry.

Just want to lay here and be....Empty.
I'm tired, really, really fucking tired.

I really want to go to the beach today and maybe I will but...
Can't seem to wake up completely.

Maybe after a nap, I'll have an orange...or a raw red potato...
I can't decide...whatever.
Go to the beach...or not...
whatever.

I feel like staring at the ceiling for a few hours.

I hope this gets better..so far this fast and cleansing thing is not going as I thought.
This is incredibly...Blah

Waiting for my Great Epiphanies and my Boundless Energy.
Must have gotten stuck in traffic.

Day 1: One hour and maybe 40...39...38 minutes to go

I'm hungry




goddamnitall
I miscounted
make that 2 hours and 20..19...18 minutes